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One of the most annoying things in the universe (immediately behind Adam Sandler) is discovering there’s a cool event happening… the day after it happened. Equally annoying is being aware that something cool is about to happen… and you’re unable to get there.

So, brace yourselves for the most frustrating blog post you'll ever read. Here are some cool film things going on in London this week/tonight/very soon/yesterday. You should try and get to all of them – unless a. you don’t live in London, or b. your self-cloning/time travel experiment went wrong and now you have no legs.

Cool Thing #1: Designing 007 @ Barbican

HE’S GOT A POWERFUL WEA-PON. HE CHARGES A MILLION A SHOT!

Let’s face it, you don’t need to hear my crap Lulu impression (again) to know what that it. And it’s at the Barbican Centre from tomorrow night – TOMORROW, THERE’S STILL TIME – complete with a load of concept art and technical drawings from Ken Adam, a first edition of The Man with the Golden Gun (a better novel than the film), some sexy automobiles (hello, Aston Martin) and, erm, that ice dragster from Die Another Day. Which presumably is there for comic relief.

The star of the show is arguably the ton of costumes on display (including Sean Connery’s Sinclair tux from Dr. No). But it goes without saying that the success of the event hinges entirely on whether they have this waiter’s suit from Tomorrow Never Dies...

Director: Daniel Nettheim
Cast: Willem Dafoe, Sam Neill, Morgana Davies, Frances O’Connor, Finn Woodlock
Certificate: 15
Trailer

Everyone forgets about Willem Dafoe. Even after Spider-Man, ask someone to name the best actors around and old Willem seems to slip to the bottom of the list. But he’s been popping up in movies for years, always putting in a brilliant performance. Sometimes with an awesome beard to match. The Hunter is no exception.

The first Jack Reacher teaser trailer has turned up online - and I can now exclusively reveal that the movie will be filmed entirely at a 45 degree angle.

In other words, it'll be like watching the first 10 minutes of Lord of the Rings over and over again for two hours. With a Hobbit playing the role of Gandalf. (On the plus side, film schools will be able to use the movie for generations to demonstrate how to use a low-angle shot.)

Read on for the Jack Reacher teaser trailer. And try not to laugh too hard when Tom steps out his Playmobil car and beats up half the population of Trumpton with his tiny, tiny hands.

Director: Bobcat Goldthwait
Cast: Joel Murray, Tara Lynne Boyle
Certificate: 18
Trailer

“Nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You know, something important, something personal.”

Bobcat Goldthwait’s God Bless America hits out at modern society. And it hits hard. It follows Frank (Murray), a man who hates the effect reality TV and the media has had upon the world. Then, one day, he snaps.

Is it the constant stream of vapid bile coming from his television set? The incessant wailing of the baby next door? The fact that his doctor’s just told him he only has a few days to live? Whatever the final straw, he jumps off his couch and decides he’s not going to take it anymore. Like a 21st Century Howard Beale, he’s mad as hell. And he’s got a gun.

The Amazing Spider-Man is out in UK cinemas from tomorrow - and, one month on from Prometheus, it's the perfect excuse to bake some more movie cupcakes.

Marc Webb's reboot may slip up towards the end, but the tasty ingredients are all there: Rhys Ifans, Emma Stone, Andrew Garfield's hair. So it was easy to find inspiration for these Amazing Spider-Man cupcakes. But not as easy as it was to gobble them all up afterwards.

Read on for the full recipe/instructions on how to bake your own edible baked Spidey goods.

BlogalongaBond. One Bond film each month until Skyfall turns up.

I can never work out where I stand on Tomorrow Never Dies. On the one hand, it’s a laughably ridiculous romp featuring some of the dumbest dialogue since Diamonds Are Forever. On the other hand, it’s a laughably ridiculous romp featuring some of the dumbest dialogue since Diamonds Are Forever.

Stealth boats? Titles that make no sense? German torture specialists? It may star Pierce Brosnan, but this is textbook Roger Moore bunkum. And yet it’s a LOT of fun. Partly because it features two of the franchise’s very best vehicle set pieces – Vic Armstrong, jumping from stuntman to second unit director, obviously took our James Bond driving lesson – alongside a genuinely independent Bond girl (a butt-kicking Michelle Yeoh). Partly because David Arnold's score does what Eric Serra failed to do and finish John Barry's journey into electro-tinged modernity. And partly because it has something Roger Moore’s era was missing: Jonathan Pryce.

Hammier than Jon Hamm eating a ham sandwich while playing with his Toy Story pig action figure, Pryce’s Elliot Carver chomps his way through the scenery like Christopher Lee’s bastard porky offspring. Some argue that Bond shouldn’t be wasting time on unthreatening, idiotic villains. I say bravo to Bruce Feirstein for turning Cold War 007 into 20th Century satire. After all, there are almost as many laughs here as In the Loop – albeit for some of the wrong reasons.

Does Tomorrow Never Dies’ Elliot Carver represent Rupert Murdoch, whose flagship tabloid publication The Sun was on 10 million readers a day in the year of the film’s release? That’s what most people think and it diminishes the film to a footnote in the post-News of the World scandal, a sort of Michael Bay’s Leveson: The Movie (thanks to @followthelemur for coining that one).

But it’s more than that. Indeed, it came before any of it happened. Based on Robert Maxwell, the media's other R.M., Tomorrow Never Dies is a blueprint for rival tycoons and wannabe successors - an overblown take on one man's legacy that only looks silly now because of the absurd events that have happened in real life. (That and the fact that he looks and sounds like Michael Howard.)

To wit, let’s take a look at this educational pamphlet I found in my DVD case...

Director: Marc Webb
Cast: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Martin Sheen, Sally Field
Certificate: 12A
Trailer

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Does whatever Andrew Garfield can
Woos the girls, even cries
He’s way better than Tobey Maguire.
Look out!
Here comes the Spider-Man.

He is strong
Funny too
Destroys his bathroom without meaning to
Aunt May's shocked, Uncle Ben’s dead
The human stuff’s done well by Marc Webb
You’ll love!
Gentle new Spider-Man.

No, I'm not talking about my review over at Cine-Vue.

There is a far better critique of Storage 24 on the internet - from a storage company. Yes, Storage.co.uk, THE place to go for all your local storage information, has done a blog on Johannes Roberts' low-budget British sci-fi, out this week. And it's a gem of cinema criticism.

It begins: 

The self storage industry never comes off well in the movies. Self storage facilities always seem to be depicted as illicit dens where shady things happen, patronised exclusively by a cast of criminals, weirdos and others who have something to hide. 

Storage 24 certainly doesn't back that trend. Here, aliens infiltrate the self storage facility and shady things happen, like murder, screaming and other generally gooey goings-on. Are these E.T.s criminals? Weirdos? Do they have something to hide? Noel Clarke's co-written screenplay never explains their motivation. So let's presume they're all three.

If you dare click past Rian Johnson's spoiler warnings, Looper's UK trailer still makes it look like the best sci-fi of the year.

"The ice cubes come first. They have to be first rate. Very cold, very hard."

That's the precision that goes into making a dry martini, according to Luis Buñuel. And he put a similar amount of attention into The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (Le Charme Discret de la Bourgeoisie). Not that you'd be able to tell. It's a mish-mash of madness and bitter cynicism; more a direct feed from the brain of one of Spain's most bonkers and masterful directors than a conventional film.

Ten years earlier, in 1962, Luis' The Exterminating Angel saw a group of civilised people unable to leave the dining room. Over several toturous days, their social graces evaporate, descending into chaos, death and barbecued sheep. They start off as pompous as the bourgeoisie showcased in 1972's similarly-themed satire, but end up no better than the chauffeur lampooned by the arrogant asses because he doesn't know how to drink a martini.

"It's not his fault," says one. "He's a commoner. He's uneducated." But at least he manages to have his drink. The rest of these lofty twits are tormented by the director, who teases them with the chance to sit down and share dinner, then whips out a string of surreal obstacles and laughs as he stops the meal from ever starting. 

Mormons. Bicycles. Sunglasses. Rory Culkin. What's not to love about the Electrick Children poster?

Rebecca Thomas' coming of age flick is out in UK cinemas on Friday 13th July. Head this way for the Electrick Children UK trailer.