Director: Matthias Hoene
Cast: Rasmus Hardiker, Michelle Ryan, Harry Treadaway, Alan Ford, Richard Briers, Honor Blackman
Showing: Thursday 23rd August 9pm
Prick up your donkeys, me old china plate, cos the brown bread are coming back to porridge knife – and they’re headed straight to Hackney. I ain’t taking the gypsy’s. It’s all Babe Ruth. But even Queens Park Ranger than that? This high-concept, low-brained pile of Albert Halls is proper Easter Bunny. You heard Isle of Wight: Cockneys vs Zombies? It's well Robin Hood.
(No, I have no idea what I’m writing either.)
Wait, Vince Vaughn is in Skyfall?
Discovered by Marc Foley-Corner (@marcfc).
After Brighton Rock, Resistance and W.E., Andrew Riseborough seemed destined to become an amazing actress forever trapped in bad films. But thanks to Shadow Dancer, that’s finally changed. She’s superb, as you’d expect. But the film? It’s a corker.
Director: Burt Layton
Cast: Frederic Bourdin, Charlie Parker
Imagine The Talented Mr. Ripley is real. Now imagine that Jude Law is a 16 year old teenage boy. Now imagine that Matt Damon steals Jude Law’s identity. And that everyone in Jude Law’s family believes him.
From South Shields to Hollywood, the impact this guy has had upon modern action films cannot be understated - and is set to continue for a long time to come. Even more amazing, the influence and inspiration he has given to filmmakers all over the world, from the obvious likes of Joe Carnahan and Edgar Wright to the more surprising Eran Creevy and Mark Romanek.
All that and a raft of crowd-pleasing blockbusters that were often character-driven and instantly recognisable? That's the mark of a unstoppable talent.
RIP Tony Scott. I hope you're in heaven in right now trying to blow the shit out of a cloud.
The Expendables 2 is out in UK cinemas today - you know, in case you hadn't noticed the millions of posters everywhere or the manly explosions of testosterone erupting out of your local multiplex. It's as wilfully stupid, unintentionally hilarious and ridiculously OTT as the first film should have been (see our Expendables 2 review).
Of course, there's no denying that it's little more than a handful of very big, very long set pieces stitched together with bollocks. But what bollocks! Cars crash. Tanks blow up. Uranium mines are destroyed. With every member of the cast trying to outgun the others, it's a massive pissing contest - one great big cinematic game of Top Trumps.
And so I present to you... The Expendables 2 Top Trumps!
Who's the manliest male man of all the male men? Why should they have all the fun deciding? From the makers of Woody Allen Top Trumps, The Expendables 2 Official Top Trumps Game* combines all the excitement of your new favourite blockbuster with the joy of factual knowledge. How many kills has Arnold Schwarzenegger had in his career? Who's appeared in the highest number of films? Is Sylvester Stallone REALLY that old?
Read on for the full deck.
Director: Sarah Polley
Cast: Michelle Williams, Seth Rogen, Luke Kirby, Sarah Silverman
Full disclosure: any film that starts with Michelle Williams baking is automatically good in my book. No one can make a cake, slap it in the oven and stand waiting by a warm stove, full of ennui, like Miss Williams. Oh yes, for me, Michelle’s muffins are the best. They’re even yummier than Kristen Wiig’s cupcakes.
But despite this nom-tastic opening, Take This Waltz stumbles as the music continues. The mixture ends up lumpy. The raw dough can’t dance, if you want to mix metaphors. And that full disclosure I was talking about? I meant it in more ways than one.
How do you define success for a young film festival? Returning for a second year? Expanding to more venues? Attracting new, live music to go with screenings?
Scala Beyond scores on all three counts - and a couple more. From what was an intimate set of retro screenings run by London's Roxy Bar & Screen that spanned 20 London bars and pubs, Scala Forever has now grown into one mahoosive event. A nationwide celebration of small scale exhibitors and independent thinking? There's still that same mix of unknown gems, gone-off cheese and that comfy mish-mash of sofas and discarded chairs that litter the back end of Roxy's drinking hole, but now it's taking place in 100 locations around the UK. Including pop-up cinemas and schools. That's pretty ruddy successful, if you ask me. I can barely get 15 people round to mine for a BBQ.
So give Philip Wood, Michael Pierce, Justin Harries, Adam Schofield and Andy Kimpton-Nye a hearty round of applause this weekend when Scala Beyond launches for a second year, along with everyone else in the country brave/mental enough to host a film.
The festival runs for a whopping six weeks from Saturday 18th August to Sunday 29th September, promising 70s and 80s action-fests to go with last year's range of European arthouse and more all-nighters than Michael Fassbender in Shame.
It may not be a complete retrospective of Hitchcock, or a premiere of Paul Thomas Anderson's The Master at Venice, but it DOES have a night entirely devoted to dodgy VHS tapes, a rare chance to see John Carpenter's seminal sci-fi Dark Star (complete with live score from Animat) and a screening of a film called Lady Terminator. Yes, really.
Who knows? If you give it enough support, Scala might even be back for a third year in 2013.
The full line-up for Scala Beyond is on their official website, cleverly titled ScalaBeyond.com. Go have a poke around - and tell Lady Terminator I said hi.
After Six Shooter and In Bruges, I've long suspected Martin McDonagh is one twisted fuck - in the very best way possible. The Seven Psychopaths trailer seems to confirm this. In the words of his sophomore effort, if it doesn't impress you, you're probably retarded and grew up on a farm.
Colin Farrell returns (as a troubled screenwriter called Martin) to join Christopher Walken and Sam Rockwell in a dog kidnapping business - a con that runs pretty smoothly, until they steal Woody Harrelson's pooch. And he's none too happy. He's also a psychopath. Obviously.
So that's four so far. The trailer counts down the rest, along with some seriously snort-inducing dialogue. There's no point in me going on about McDonagh's stage work and his play due in the West End next year, or about the serious post-modern existential drama that will no doubt rear its head in between his new film's blackly comic violence.
Instead, let's just recap for a second: Colin Farrell. Christopher Walken. Tom Waits. Abbie Cornish. Olga Kurylenko. Martin McDonagh. AND Sam Rockwell. You. Retarded. Farm. Etc.
Read on for the Seven Psychopaths trailer - it's out in the US in October, so expect it to be at the London Film Festival ready for a wintery release.
You'll find this:
Now Fox have passed on Joe Carnahan's Daredevil and the rights are heading back to Marvel, here's hoping Kevin Feige takes him up on the offer. And I see this as someone who doesn't really care about Daredevil. Read on to see the hip, sassy, 70s, Serpico-styling retro superhero showreel.
Director: Simon West
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Jean Claude van Damme
It is a fact that if you shoot someone in just the right place, their head will explode. After testing this theory in The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone is back to push it right over the brink of scientific credibility. How? With guns. Lots and lots of guns. There are people as well, of course. Famous people. People famous for holding guns. This time round, one of them is a woman.
Together, these gun-toting famous people - and woman - use their guns to kill men. Bad men. Men with guns. And they don’t waste any time doing it. As soon as the screen switches on, Barney Ross (Stallone) and his expendable chums light it up with bullets, setting the tone for the rest of the film: if the first Expendables was big, dumb, loud and rubbish. This is bigger, louder, dumber and, erm, rubbisher.
How dumb, you say? To sum it up in six words: Dolph Lundgren riding a jet ski.
It's Hitchcock's Birthday! But instead of celebrating in the usual manner - chucking some birds at a girl you like, then going home to dress up as your mum and spy on the neighbours - why not mark his 113th birthday with something a little more
tacky sophisticated? Like this 5 Hitchcock GIFs, which I randomly picked off the interwebs to try and capture the genius of the man himself.
Because that's how you do justice to genius. You put it in a GIF.
Director: Mark Andrews, Brenda Chapman, Steve Purcell
Cast: Kelly Macdonald, Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson
"A Queen doesnae place 'er weapon oan th' table."
That’s Queen Elinor (Thompson) 'spikin tae Princess Merida (Macdonald), a wild bairn who wants tae change 'er fate frae fancy dresses, formal duties an' fake smiles. Whaur most princesses practice cross-stitch, Merida rides ben th' forest. In place ay a lute, she wields a baw an' arraw. She's closer tae Link frae The Legend of Zelda than a Disney Princess. An' tae top 'er aff? An untrained barnit ay bricht red hair.
What sets Merida apart frae most animated heroes, Pixar included? One, she’s a lassie. Two, she's ginger. But three, an' most importantly, she doesnae hae a sidekick.
Merida spends aw day wi' 'er cuddie. but diz it gab? Ne'er. Half an hoor later, fleein' frae a horde ay male suitors, she winds up at a witch’s but-an-ben, a decision tha' introduces anither beastie tae th' story: a bear. It doesnae gab either.
Cannae kin whit aam saying? To read this Brave review in English, click here.