Born in Newport, allegedly of human parents, Michael Sheen is a chameleon, seemingly able to take on the appearance, voice and mannerisms of anyone. Is your identity safe?

The only way to ensure your face, hair and voice aren't cloned is to learn how this man works. For your own protection and safety, here's a profile (a CRB, if you will) of Britain's most prolific fraudster...

Director: Alex Proyas
Cast: Nicholas Cage, Rose Byrne, Chandler Canterbury
Certificate: 15

“How am I supposed to stop the end of the world?” A man stands in a room alone, pondering the workings of the universe. As he watches fate’s clockwork ticking away, his eyes grow wide. Angsty palpitations dance across his skull and a look of fear fills his face. Fear. And pain. The classic Nicholas Cage.

Director: Tony Gilroy
Cast: Clive Owen, Julia Roberts, Tom Wilkinson, Paul Giamatti
Certificate: 12A

Clive Owen and Julia Roberts pulling a long con? Most people think Ocean's Eleven, but Tony Gilroy's romantic caper is far closer to Charade - caper being the key word here. Darting in and out of hotel rooms, boardrooms, trains and planes, our two sparky stars caper all over the place. Sometimes, they caper so much their clothes fall off.

Director: Phil Claydon
Cast: Matthew Horne, James Corden, Paul McGann
Certificate: 15

Here they come, lolloping into our cinemas with all the grace of a one-legged watermelon: Horne and Corden. Corden and Horne. One fat, one thin. Get it? One of them (Corden) is fat. The other (Horne) isn't. What larks.

Director: Steve Carr
Cast: Kevin James, Jayma Mays
Certificate: PG

Fresh from a string of supporting turns and TV's King of the Queens, Kevin James takes centre screen as Parl Blart, a security officer for a shopping mall. He's fat, hypoglycaemic and, we're apparently meant to think, is therefore funny. Mocked by co-workers and customers alike, Blart (named after a charming bodily function, FYI) is a loser. And so he ambles through life, downing his sherbet, upping his blood sugar, and drooling over shopkeeper Amy (Mays).

Let it never be said that I don't love animals. Maybe not in that way, but I challenge you to find anyone who watched Free Willy more times than me when I was a kid. I loved that whale. I even bought Free Willy 2 on VHS. It was rubbish. But one animal I love more than most others is the dog - they're attentive, funny, bouncy. And they drool. What's not to love? (I used to ask my parents upon repeated refusals to get a family dog.) And so, with Marley and Me released - the latest in a line of recent canine capers - it seems the time is ripe for a dutiful Top Ten of Cinema's Best Friend...

Director: Nicolas Winding Refn
Cast: Tom Hardy
Certificate: 18

In 1974, the ambitiously violent Michael Peterson (Hardy) robbed a post office. Then he went to prison. Behind bars, he got even worse - craving a name for himself, he filled his life with years of fame-seeking brutality. Finally, with his gay Luton boxing manager (the hilarious Matt King), he found a suitable pseudonym: Charles Bronson. 

Director: Mark Tonderai
Cast: William Ash, Christine Bottomley
Certificate: 15

A former DJ and debut director, who'd have thought that Mark Tonderai's first feature would be both gripping and tense? More to the point, who expected a tale about a guy who puts up car posters in toilets? Nakes (Ash) and Beth (Bottomley) are driving up the M1, having a bit of a barney. Then, when a truck in front of them briefly opens its doors, they catch a glimpse inside: a woman, screaming. 

Director: David Frankel
Cast: Owen Wilson, Jennifer Aniston
Certificate: PG

"Leg-humping is a virus," warns a frizzy-follicled dog trainer with all the solemnity she can muster. Owen Wilson flashes a laid-back smile. "He normally only does it to poodles." This is Marley and Me, a dog flick that's low on laughs and high on sugar. Not the good kind of sweet stuff - this is the cloggy, saccharine stuff that kills.