|BlogalongaBond: You Only Live Twice (1967)|
|Written by Ivan Radford|
|Friday, 27 May 2011 15:13|
BlogalongaBond. One Bond film a month until Bond 23 comes along in November 2012.
And, inevitably, underneath that haiku was an instructional pamphlet that went a little something like this...
How to Build Your Own Volcano Lair
Step One: Hire Ken Adam
If you want the best volcano lair, hire the best volcano lair designer: Sir Ken Adam OBE, the genius behind almost every brilliant Bond set your brain can remember. With Ken on board, hopefully your lair will turn out looking like this:
Of course, to match Ken's sense of scale, you'll have to find a volcano that's big enough. For a rough guide to size, remember that you need to be able to fit a plastic bottle inside.
Step Two: Buy a Left-Wing Newspaper
Buy a left-wing newspaper and no-one will ever suspect you of trying to take over the world. (I recommend the Guardian, just for the free 68-page camping guide, but other newspapers are available.)
Step Four: Put a Hole in the Top
Make sure you cut a massive hole in the top for the rocket ship to get in and out. You've seen Thunderbirds, you know how this stuff works.
Step Five: Make It Look Pretty
Stick a round metal circle on the top to make it look like a lake. To help your hideaway really blend in, give the rest of volcano a paint job, sparing no expense. If necessary, use the official Blofeld-endorsed Volcano Drying Machine to make things faster.
Step Six: Insert Rocket Launch Pad
If you're going to carry out your evil plan to steal Soviet and American spacecraft, you better build that launch pad quick. Even better, get your little Japanese minions to do it for you. That way you get more time to play with the cat. You can play with Ken, too, if he's finished with his rolled up newspaper.
Step Seven: Build Your Own Monorail
A volcano lair isn't a volcano lair without your VERY OWN MONORAIL. FACT.
Step Eight: Insert Piranha Pool
Even with the monorail, your Bond villain HQ still isn't complete until you add in a pool with sharks. Failing that, some piranhas will do. Of course, if you don't have room for a water feature, get Ken to come up with another cool way to kill off your minions when they fail to do your bidding. Perhaps you could run them over with your monorail.
Step Nine: Allow Easy Entrance for Ninjas
To make sure your base goes down as the most iconic evil HQ of all time, leave the lake hole open for an extra couple of hours. That way all the ninjas can get inside ready for the big finale. If you're lucky, a guy dressed as Spider-Man might make an appearance as well.
Step Ten: Add a Self-Destruct Button
Of course, now you've let ninjas into your volcano, they'll start destroying all of Ken's beautiful work. And if that's going to happen, you might as well build a self-destruct button. It can be a secret metal lever, or just a tub of baking powder - whatever you have to hand.
And that's how you build your own evil volcano lair, using just a volcano, a newspaper, a handful of Japanese minions and some baking powder. No wonder Ken Adam made it look easy.
BlogalongaBond will return next month in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. For more BlogalongaBond stuff, point your PC this way.