Black Man vs Train. Black Man wins. Who needs more when you're dealing with a missile the size of the Chrysler building?

Deathly Hallows Part 1

The first part of the last part of the ever-darkening franchise, Deathly Hallows Part 1 is the best film of the lot. Yes, even The Columbus Years.

The Girl who Kicked the Hornets' Nest

This TV movie spends one hour in hospital, one in court. It's basically an episode of Casualty and Kavanagh QC back-to-back.

The American

Veteran hitman shacks up in southern Italy. Sleeps with women. Befriends priest. Takes pretty pictures. Classy stuff.

Potterthon 2010

Poor boy with no friends lives in cupboard under the stairs. Decides to live blog all Harry Potter films in a row. 902 minutes. 6 films. 1 television. Accio life.


Machete don't text. Machete disappointing. Machete better as trailer.

Leap Year

Disturbing, graphic and painful to watch. Yes, it's realistic, but that’s part of what makes it so unpleasant.

Due Date

The Funniest Film Since The Hangover? Due Date ticks every comedy box. Except the one labelled jokes.

Despicable Me

Likeable fun with a lazy conclusion, Despicable Me shoots for the moon, steals it, then lets it go again. Above average, but below Pixar.

https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/375117unstoppabletop.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/296878Voldemort_Harry_Potter_Deathly_Hallows_Wallpaper_2.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/321631hornets_top.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/456263americantop.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/726318HPDH1_05058c.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/836279machete_top.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/419267leapyeartop.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/589146duedatetop.jpg https://i-flicks.net/components/com_gk2_photoslide/images/thumbm/819482despicableme_top.jpg

Star Ratings

Very Good


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Home Reviews Cinema Machete
Machete Print E-mail
Written by Ivan Radford   
Tuesday, 23 November 2010 08:51


Directors: Robert Rogriguez, Ethan Maniquis
Cast: Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Jessica Alba
Certificate: 18

Dirty Grindhouse fun or balls-out political commentary. You can't have both. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy bits of Machete, the feature spun off from the spoof trailer by blood-thirsty B-movie king Robert Rodriguez. As you'd expect, it's ridiculously stupid and unapologetically violent. A piece of trash and nothing more.

Determined to deliver on the body count promised by the original two-minute kill-fest, Machete opens with an absurdly genius prologue - which sees arms, legs and heads hacked off with insane abandon. Then, as a woman pulls out a phone from a place where phones don't belong, Steven Seagal enters with a terrible Mexican accent. The movie never quite recovers.

Of course, the bad guy is meant to be dreadful, right down to the tacky bright red sword he swishes around like a kid playing pirates. But then along comes the brilliantly-named Senator John McLoughlin (De Niro), a redneck vigilante (Johnson) and an evil political aide, all planning the former's re-election to power. That's a few too many bad guys for Machete (Trejo) to take on.

Not that he doesn't try. Using everything from guns and knives to gardening tools (a surefire way for a Mexican to be allowed into anyone's house), it's a demented tour through Rodriguez's arsenal of gore. Even the infamous intestine jump from a window still packs an entertaining punch. But these bursts are few and far between, the film resting on Danny Trejo's stone-faced delivery to carry the dumb-as-bricks dialogue.

With all their over-complicated plotting, Rodriguez and his cousin Alvaro lose sight of the basic premise that fuels the screenplay. This is no longer a revenge flick but an elaborate actioner, which forgets its simple roots - much like the director's previous Grindhouse project, Planet Terror. Cheech Marin's gun toting priest is great for his brief time on screen, but the sex objects, immigration agent Sartana (Alba) and revolutionary leader Luz (Rodriguez), are both shallow and superfluous. Lindsay Lohan even more so.

That said, this is no Death Proof. Rodriguez definitely gets exploitation cinema. His co-director Ethan Maniquis helps ramp up the style with blood-splattered glee and for the first half, at least, it's rather infectious. But by the end, Machete's blade is too blunt and is only good for cutting through the audience's high hopes.


Machete don't text. Machete disappointing. Machete better as trailer.


Your rating

( 2 Votes ) 

  • b-movie
  • cheech marin
  • danny trego
  • don johnson
  • exploitation
  • grindhouse
  • immigration
  • jessica alba
  • lindsay lohan
  • machete
  • mexican

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