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The Damned United

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A fun, romantic, old-school caper. They caper here, they caper there. Sometimes, they caper so much their clothes fall off.

Lesbian Vampire Killers

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Marley and Me

Marley and Me's saccharine story is low on laughs and high on sugar. Bring a vat of tissues. And some insulin.


Zack "the visionary director of 300" Snyder's epic achievement is an awe-inspiring spectacle...

The Young Victoria

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Gran Torino

Eastwood's star performance rescues this cliched script: forget Dirty Harry, this is racist Clint. And he's milking it for every last drop.


An energetic debut from a British director, Hush is a thrilling tale of cars, girls and posters that go up in toilets. Gripping stuff.


Cute and lively, but lacking Pixar's spark: this is The Truman Show for the High School Musical generation.


Which vampire would you want living next door?

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Home Features Keeping the Wrong 'uns Out
Keeping the Wrong 'uns Out Print E-mail
Written by Ivan Radford   
Friday, 10 April 2009 10:40

As Tomas Alfredson’s take on John Ajvide Lindqvist’s vampire novel hits the screens, we’re all reminded of the delicate balance between fangs and friendship. But what if the new folks next door seem perfectly wholesome? I feel it’s my duty to warn you, once again, why good neighbours don’t always become good friends…


1. They Might Be Aliens/Vampires (Twilight / Invasion of the Body Snatchers)

If Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that your local community should never be trusted. Sure, they meet for baseball games in the woods, or they’re all too keen on you becoming one of their number, but wait just a second: are they pale skinned? Do they avoid sunlight? Perhaps they’ve adopted your appearance in a bid for their race to survive? Don’t take them up on their offer for tea – it just might be the last scone you ever eat…

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2. They Might Be Stalkers (Spiderman / American Beauty)

Ever get the feeling that someone’s watching you? Someone a little too close for your liking? Pull those curtains across now, because you might be living next to Peter Parker. Although seemingly harmless on the outside (glasses, spots, Tobey Maguire’s face), Peter has heightened senses. He can hear, see and smell whatever you don’t want him to. And he’s probably hanging on your ceiling right now. He tends to go for red-heads but whatever colour your curls are, don’t let him take your picture for the school newspaper. It’s a trap.

Often working in collaboration with Peter is Ricky Fitz. He’ll claim to be filming plastic bags, but he might well be making a home movie all about you. The bad news is that both these stalkers are sad enough to tag you on Facebook the morning after.

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3. They Might Be A Killer (Rear Window)

Ever had one of those days where you sit in a wheelchair taking photos? Then you’ll be well aware of what that guy next door could be up to. Maybe he’s watering his plants. Or maybe he’s chopping up his wife into little pieces and hiding the evidence. That’s right, Lars Thorwald, we’re looking at you. Keep your cameras at the ready, crime watchers, and stay on constant neighbourhood watch; you never know when a flashbulb might come in handy.

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4. They Might Want to Impregnate You (Rosemary’s Baby)

Remember that lovely old couple next door? The ones with a healthy attitude towards procreation? And their offers of free dinner? Sandwiches, chocolate mousse, raw meat and chicken liver? Just watch what you eat, my friend, because maybe, just maybe, they’re Satanists. And, if that is the case, there’s just the slightest chance that they want you to bear his child, bringing Satan's spawn into the world. Are you imagining it? You might just be hormonal, but you never know…

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5. They Might Be Michael Bay

It’s admittedly unlikely. In fact, there’s more chance of them being Stalking Alien Vampires who Want to Impregnate You, but what if your good neighbour becomes your good friend? What if that good friend turns out to be a Hollywood director? What if, suspending disbelief just that little bit further, he convinces you to star in Transformers 2? How would you explain that to your children? You can't. No one can. Your safest bet is to avoid him. Just in case he blows your house up.

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