Director: Matthias Hoene
Cast: Rasmus Hardiker, Michelle Ryan, Harry Treadaway, Alan Ford, Richard Briers, Honor Blackman
Certificate: TBC
Showing: Thursday 23rd August 9pm

Prick up your donkeys, me old china plate, cos the brown bread are coming back to porridge knife – and they’re headed straight to Hackney. I ain’t taking the gypsy’s. It’s all Babe Ruth. But even Queens Park Ranger than that? This high-concept, low-brained pile of Albert Halls is proper Easter Bunny. You heard Isle of Wight: Cockneys vs Zombies? It's well Robin Hood.

(No, I have no idea what I’m writing either.)

Director: Yoav Factor
Cast: Timothy Spall, Honor Blackman, James Callis, Rhona Mitra
Certificate: 12A

Perhaps the most annoying film since Horrid Henry: The Movie, Reuniting the Rubins is a dull, unfunny mess that simply refuses to end. It follows the attempts of well-intentioned patriarch Lenny (Spall) to reunite his titular family in time for Passover. Because, you know, Jewish families are always funny.

What follows are a series of painful stabs at comedy and dull efforts at drama that come across like a sequel to the very similar (and also rubbish) Robert De Niro film from last year. Remember Everybody's Fine, the film in which everybody said they were fine but secretly weren't fine? This is Everybody’s Fine 2: Everybody’s Really Fine.

BlogalongaBond. One Bond film a month until Bond 23 turns up in November next year.

It's time to turn our attention to Goldfinger, the third and most definitive of the Bond series. By this point, people knew what to expect from a Bond film and with Guy Hamilton establishing the franchise's formula, everyone was getting curious. Especially about Honor Blackman's feisty little minx, Pussy Galore.

Which would explain why this note was found inside my DVD box...

Dear Ms Galore,

I'm an actress looking to get a break in showbiz and thought I might try my pretty pink fingernails at a Bond movie. As one of the most iconic vaginas into which 007 has attempted re-entry, what are your tips for being a great Bond girl?

Yours sexually,

Tits McGee

And by some crazy random happenstance, this educational pamphlet was right beside it...