Director: McG
Cast: Tom Hardy, Chris Pine, Reese Witherspoon
Certificate: 15
This Means War trailer

When CIA agents aren’t busy going rogue, they’re usually busy lying to a girl to get into her bed. It’s only a matter of time, then, before two CGI agents who aren’t going rogue end up chasing the same woman. Lo and behold, that’s exactly what happens in McG’s action-spy-rom-com. It’s shallow, obvious, by-the-numbers film-making. But you know what? It works.

That’s pretty much all down to the cast. Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon enter their love triangle with a twinkly chemistry that covers up a lot of shoddy writing.

Witherspoon's extremely hot but single woman, we are told, is an insecure product tester and unused to dating - which makes her the perfect target for the two CIA agents. Hardy is quiet and gentle, Pine is loud and brash. Both are extremely hot and single.

Thor thundered ahead at the UK Box Office this week, holding on the top spot after its £5m debut. 

Marvel's superhero lost around 40% of last week's takings, but has hammered together a £9.5m running total, which will keep the makers of The Avengers happy for now.

Fast Five is right behind the God of Thunder with £1.6m stashed firmly in the boot. After three weeks on release, Vin Diesel's racer has accelerated past the £13.5m gross from the last Fast and Furious film, making it the fastest and most furious in the whole series. Bald men up and down the country will be sweating profusely with excitement.

Insidious, meanwhile, is in a strong third position, boasting a teeny 9% drop as people begin to spread the word about the Saw director's horror film. It's almost at the £4m mark in total, but expect this one to reach a fair bit higher than that.

All the three holdovers held back the weekend's new releases. Emerging at the head of the pack is Water for Elephants, the watery film about elephants and Robert Pattinson. Thanks to previews from Wednesday onwards, R-Patz beat Saoirse Ronan's Hanna to the UK Top Ten's fourth spot. But we all know she could take him in a proper fight.

Which one's water and which one's the elephant?

While Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon argue amongst themselves, here's a little about the plot: it involves two people who "come together through their compassion for a special elephant". It's set in a circus, before you get any ideas. Perverts.

Jacob is apparently a veterinary student, not that you see him do any veterinarianing. And Marlena? Well, she's a performer in a circus. Which basically involves her doing stuff with elephants in front of a paying audience. Perverts.

It's easy to mock their love, especially when the statistical majority of human-elephant relationships end in crushing disappointment. But against all the odds (that's a direct quote from the official synopsis), they find life-long love. That is, until Christoph Waltz - Marlena's dangerous husband - tries to kill Robert Pattinson with a hammer. That particular highlight is at 1 min 19 seconds.

Water for Elephants is out on Friday 22nd April. Read on to see the whole trailer.

Ok, so Tom Hardy hasn't declared war with McG. He's done something quite, quite different: he's signed up for a film called This Means War. Directed by McG.

Yes, the suave Brit who blew everyone away with his scenery-devouring Bronson performance, before going on to prove his action credentials with Christopher Nolan's mind-bending Inception, will now star in a film by McG. From James Bond contender to Charlie's Angels follow-up in the blink of an eye.

This Means War is a high-concept blend of action, romance and comedy - an action rom-com, if you allow us to coin a brand new genre. Back in 2001, Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence were attached to play two spies fighting over one woman (Reese Witherspoon). It never too off.

In recent years, it looked like Bradley Cooper and Chris Pine would be filling the manly parts. That is, until Cooper dropped out because he thought the script was a bit naff. Along came Sam Worthington - McG stalwart after Terminator Salvation - who ultimately passed as well.

And so in steps Tom Hardy to take up the battle for Reese Witherspoon, as he and Pine, two lifelong secret agent friends, declare full-on black ops warfare against each other. Then, when the film finally gets made, McG can make a sequel: This Really Means War. In which thousands of Inception and Bronson fans declare full-on black ops warfare against Tom Hardy for selling out.

Directors: Rob Letterman, Conrad Vernon
Cast: Reese Witherspoon, Kiefer Sutherland, Hugh Laurie, Will Arnett, Seth Rogen, Stephen Colbert
Certificate: PG
Trailers and Clips 

Monsters are awesome. Who doesn’t love Godzilla, the original man-in-a-muppet Japanese destroyer? Or that pulsating blobby thing from The Blob? Well, many 5 year old kids, for a start. They’ve never seen these classics – unless they had one weird upbringing. So this tribute to trashy terrors shouldn’t really appeal to them. But oh boy, it does.