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A Monster Smash Print E-mail
Written by Ivan Radford   
Thursday, 02 April 2009 10:00

With Dreamworks' Monsters vs Aliens stomping into cinemas, kicking up the dust of B-Movies past, it's hard not to get a little nostalgic for history's hairiest bad guys... Laced with trash and coated in cliche, they might have been cheesy, but who doesn't get frightened by a bit of brie? Especially when it's got Sharp Pointy Teeth and drools over your face.

But then the question arises: who was the best of the beasts? Then other questions join the frenzy. Questions like: Are they better when they're funny or scary? Colour or black-and-white? Small or big? Hairy or slimy? Why didn't Frankenstein have a small maggot sidekick?

And so, with a sentimental tear in our eyes we bring you the Ultimate Monster/Alien Showdown of All Time. Which of Hollywood's horrors will top the tournament and be crowned King of Critters? Enough pre-amble, let the bloodbath BEGIN.



Round One: The Thing vs The Balrog 


The two spirits square up, neither of them quite corporeal. The Balrog kicks off with a crack of his fiery whip, smoke and ashes fly everywhere. He advances slowly, breathing flame and shadow, his large form barely visible through the haze. He stops. He falters, and stumbles backwards. It took its time, but The Thing has made its move. the inevitable has happened: The Thing has taken control of the beast of Moria. The Balrog totters on the bridge of Khazad-dûm before falling into the darkness. In the throes of The Thing, it smites itself upon the mountain.

Result: Both disqualified.



Round Two: Gojira vs The Blob


Radioactive beasty takes on pulsating gloop in a showdown that one pundit called "theoretically quite unlikely". Who will triumph? Gojira isn't afraid to go first, picking up a nearby building and crushing it with his muppet claws. The Blob sits still. Gojira roars, his distinctive vocals shattering windows and terrifying the locals. Still, The Blob waits. Gojira, with all the impatience of a spoilt 5 year old, picks up a train, bites it in half, and lobs at it the gelatinous mass. The train sinks in slowly, absorbed and engulfed by the red gooiness. If it were at all possible for a congealed globule that is mostly inanimate, The Blob looks smug. Gojira gets angry. He stomps, he screams, he throws the ultimate wobbly. In his stroppiness, he accidentally crushes 30 office blocks, one travel agent, and Hesten Blumenthal's private kitchen. The ensuing fallout of liquid nitrogen freezes The Blob on impact. Gojira takes the chance to taunt it with his stampy-stampy victory dance.

Result: Gojira Wins.



Round Three: King Kong vs Alien


Monkey meets Xenomorph in a clash of the titans that easily eclipses the crappiness of Aliens vs Predator. The two circle each other, one a lumbering furry ape, the other, an agile, evil creature with impregnation on the brain. The mouth opens, the other mouth comes out. It, too, in turn opens. Kong scratches his head. This is new for him. He resorts to old tactics: he picks up a tree and smacks the Alien upside the head. The mini-jaw snaps off like a shiny, acidic twiglet, spirting green liquid all over Essex - a chosen neutral territory which people didn't mind being destroyed. Kong throws a bus at the Alien's dome-like head. It staggers, slightly dazed. Kong grabs it by the tail and drags it into Epping Forest. Here he's in his own element. He throws logs upon rocks upon children at the beast, pummelling it into submission. A frothing, thrashing mass on the ground, the Alien screeches and whips it tail in the air. It catches Kong on the face. He wipes the blood off and bares his teeth. Straddling the Alien's still stumbling body, he reaches down with his monkey paws and grabs the Aliens open jaws. Wrenching with all his might, he snaps the Alien's head off. I'd like to see Andy Serkis do that. 

Result: Kong Wins.



FINAL: King Kong vs Godzilla

After a breathtaking series of incredbile battles and awe-inspiring disqualifications, the Ultimate Showdown arises. A gargantuan grapple between the two dominant forces in Monster Movie History: Godzilla and Kong. Kong and Godzilla. A clash so climactic that Ishiro Honda filmed it in 1962. Today, Godzilla is so pumped, he's adopted his American name, just to please the fans. Kong is so psyched, he left Naomi Watts and Fay Wray to find their own way down off the Empire State Building. And now, for your bloody entertainment, we present the Final in our Monster Smash Tournament 2009:


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Result: Unknown*


Want more monsters? Check out our review of Dreamworks' 3-D beast here, and watch our exclusive collection of clips and trailers.


*although, technically, Godzilla is the only one who can swim, Kong is the only one seen paddling away from the punch-up. Although rumours insist that, in Japan, Godzilla won (he can be heard on the soundtrack at the very least), the American version merely had the radioactive lizard "disappear without a trace". The hunt for the body continues...