Day 1

Still not at Cannes.

Everyone at Cannes apparently saw Woody Allen's new movie Midnight in Paris today.

Meanwhile I had the exclusive chance to see Midnight in Essex.

I'll bring you more exclusive photos and an unrivalled lack of access to the Cannes Film Festival over the coming weeks.

Day 2

Still not at Cannes.

Saw Sleeping Beauty last night. If by "sleeping beauty" you mean "homeless man at a bus stop". Was going to ask for exclusive Cannes Diary interview. Then decided I didn't want to get AIDS.

Day 4

Still not at Cannes. 

People on the streets of Essex keep talking about The Artist, a silent film by Michel Hazanavicius, and how amazing it is. Not that I care. Anyone can turn down the volume on their TV. I watched Don't Scare the Hare on mute. SO THERE.

Day 6

Still not at Cannes. 

Just saw the trailer for Michel Hazanavicius' The Artist, which the Weinsteins have reportedly picked up for distribution. It's set in the 1920s and follows the careers of two actors, one falling and one on the rise.

Not that I care or anything. Cannes can show what they like - I'm not jealous. We all know black and white films aren't proper films anyway.

Oh, and it stars John Goodman, James Cromwell and Penelope Ann Miller. Which is a nice little cast list. Not that I care.

I'm going to go watch Jeremy Kyle with the sound off. Suck on that, Cannes.

Day 9

Jodie Foster's Beaver got a mixed response today. Some liked the film's humorous combination of Mel Gibson, an animal hand-puppet, and a mid-life crisis. Others weren't keen on the movie, particularly its combination of Mel Gibson, an animal hand-puppet and a mid-life crisis.

I used to have a hand-puppet when I was a kid. It was a Sooty puppet, complete with magic wand. But I was nowhere near as good as Mr Gibson. At least, judging by this exclusive non-Cannes clip that turned up in my London-based email inbox this morning.