Do you like watching films? Do you like peeing? Do you hate doing both at the same time?
The answer to all of those is obviously yes. In which case I think I might have found the best app ever. It gets your iPhone to tell you when to pee during a movie so you don't miss anything.
It's either an inspired use of modern technology or a total waste of battery life. I'm not sure which. But it does have a picture of a toilet as its logo. And it's called Run Pee. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE YOU MISERABLE PEOPLE?
The app itself does do some weirdly useful things, all designed to help you whizz without using your brain to do anything. It contains action cues (and times) so you know when to skip to the loo, it warns you how long you have to do your business (whatever that business is, you pervert) AND it even gives you a summary of what you'll miss. There's a timer too, just for good measure. Mental.
To be clear, I never go to the toilet - I expel my unwanted bodily fluids via osmosis - but when I do need to pee at the cinema, I tend to go before the film. Or sometimes after. The last time I broke that habit was when Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith came out. There was a pub crawl involved. And then a midnight screening. But thanks to my bladder's Jedi mind tricks, my Spidey senses tingled just at the point when Anakin got all emo and started making out with Natalie Portman: the perfect time for a toilet break. I sprinted out and came back in time to cheer on CGI Yoda and his horribly shiny green forehead. If it wasn't for the fact that I was watching Star Wars Episode III in Birmingham, this would be a happy story.
Now I don't want to just go around labelling something the Best App Ever before testing it, so I've had a scroll through Run Pee Mobile's database of wee timetables to pick a test run. I've got it down to two, which I'm bound to watch (or re-watch) in the coming weeks:
- True Grit (3 toilet breaks at 43mins / 65mins / 110 mins)
- Black Swan (3 toilet breaks at 42 mins / 65 mins / 110 mins)
I'm a bit sad to see that it suggests going to the toilet at all during Black Swan or True Grit, but it does raise interesting questions: is the three act structure of cinema redundant in the face of the 45-60-110 synchronised pee break? Why doesn't The Tourist or Tron: Legacy qualify as one long toilet trip? And has anyone else ever actually used this app?
I'll let you know when I've actually tried it out (although I've promised my mum no more pictures of me on the bog). For now, I'm off to go pee.