Song for Marion is out in UK cinemas today. It's fan-ruddy-tastic. So let's skip the part where I suggest you go and see it - because you've already decided that you WILL go and see it - and deal with another, more pressing problem: the fact that when you do go to see it, you will inevitably end up ejaculating bucket-loads of fluid onto the floor from your eyeballs.

Yes, it’s basically Sister Act 2 with old white people instead of Whoopi Goldberg, but Paul Andrew Williams' movie is a hugely moving experience - something that may cause trouble for the manlier members of the audience (like myself *cough*), who need to save their manly male face from crumpling like a woman's soggy tissue.

So, to keep your butch reputation in tact, here are 10 things to say when people see you crying during Song for Marion.

1. The roof is leaking

Already a major concern for watchers of Les Mis at Stratford Picturehouse, leaky roofs and poor masonry standards can cause it to rain on patrons' faces during the film - in some cases, such as the aforementioned musical, up to several times within one hour.

2. There's something in your eye

An eyelash, perhaps. Or a bit of grit, if "eyelash" doesn't sound manly enough. Whatever your object of choice, remember to rub your eyes continuously through both the sad *and* happy scenes of the film to make sure people get the idea. Asking the person next to you to inspect your eye also works like a charm, although don't expect much help - they'll probably be crying too.

3. Somebody stole your popcorn 

The mean bastards. Who wouldn't shed a tear over lost food?

4. You're chopping onions

Who doesn't take an onion with them to the cinema? With the price of snacks these days, not to mention those pesky popcorn thieves lurking around screen 7, a little homemade cooking is the only rational response.

5. You're allergic to cats

With Vanessa Redgrave and Terrence Stamp on the poster, it's a fair assumption that a large portion of Song for Marion's audience will be of the more mature generation. All those ageing cardigans, covered in mothballs and cat hair? It's no wonder your allergies are kicking off.

6. You just heard The Hour got cancelled

Yes. The BBC have cancelled The Hour. Yes, I wept too.

7. Your contact lens is stuck

There's nothing more painful than your contact lens slipping round the back of your eyeball and getting stuck there - and forcing all the moisture out through the front. Practise screaming in agony to complete the effect.

8. You're crying with laughter

Crying at sad things may be embarrassing, but crying with laughter? That's perfectly respectable. Even better, say you were laughing at somebody else crying. Then you'll appear REALLY manly. *fist bump*

9. [Insert obscure medical condition here]

Conjunctivitis. Glaucoma. Laurence-Moon-Bardet-Biedl syndrome. Just make up anything with "-itis" on the end. The more syllables, the more people will nod and walk away before they catch it too.

10. You were snorting cocaine

For those who want to appear particularly hardcore and manly - because only real men do cocaine while watching a family film in a packed cinema. Sure, you may get arrested - or might even have your Cineworld Unlimited Card taken away - but at least no one saw you cry. HOORAY. Let's do another puff to celebrate.

Try any of the above and you'll be able to sob away during Song for Marion without fear or shame. But don't worry too much if you can't remember your excuse: everyone else will be crying anyway.

Song for Marion is out in cinemas now. Read our full review here.