As outlined in my previous emails, the title of the film is completely inappropriate. Untouchable? The film touched me a lot. Your initial, brief, response to my complaint said that many people enjoyed this sensation - that Olivier Nakache and Eric Toledano’s film is now the most successful French film of all time, even beating Amelie - but I wish to make it expressly clear that this not what I want from a film. I do not like being touched. Not even by a Frenchman.

Your other point tried to claim that the film is technically accomplished - that on an objective level at least, Untouchable can be enjoyed by everyone. But as a victim of such unexpected emotional trauma, I was not in a position to appreciate that the editing was snappy, the cinematography was colourful and the performances were realistic and conveyed a believable odd couple relationship between wheelchair-bound Philippe & his streetwise carer, Driss. (As for making me laugh about a serious medical condition, that is the subject for another email.)

Your offer of a signed photo of Audrey Fleurot is generous - I concede that she is amazing as Philippe's secretary - but I will not be bribed into silence. I went into that movie wanting, as your title suggests, to be untouched. Instead, I was moved, stirred and prodded continuously in a darkened room for two hours, even in my mostprivate places - an intense emotional sensation that led me to tears on several occasions.

If I want to be touched like that, I shall do what normal people do and go to Catholic church.

I therefore request for the last time that you change the name of this film to "Touchable". Or I shall sue you under the Trade Descriptions Act of 1968.

As per the suggestion of my lawyer, I have attached a diagram showing precisely where Untouchable touched me. If I do not hear back from you in the next seven days, the next time you see this diagram will be in court.

Yours, incredibly moved,

Ivan Radford 

P.S. I shall be publishing a copy of this correspondence in full on the internet.