Director: Ryan Little
Cast: Danny Glover, Vinnie Jones, Sofia Pernas, Corey Sevier, Kepa Kruse
Certificate: 12A
Trailer

Opening Moby Dick in Microsoft Word and using "Find & Replace" to change the word "whale" to "dragon" sounds like the ultimate high concept movie, but don't believe your foolishly optimistic male brain. A Great White Dragon pursued by a one-eyed black man? It's total balls.

Even the first 5 minutes are crap. Danny Glover turns up, played by some teenager who runs around a corn field in slow motion, before instantly discovering the movie's mythical beast - thus ruining the little chance the film ever had at building up some tension. At least the dragon kills his sister, though. Serves him right.

Then along comes Vinnie Jones. He plays veteran dragon-hunter Stubbs, a man who stands around telling war stories as if he's Mickey Rourke. He's not. He's Vinnie Jones. But he's probably the best thing about this turgid pile of fecal matter. Our young heroes Ishmael (Sevier) and Queequeg (Kruse) meet Stubbs in a bar, where they prove their worth by playing darts with their harpoons - because throwing a metal stick at a wall five inches away is what real men do to pass the time.

That test over, they join the crew of Captain Ahab's (Glover) vessel, The Pequod, bound on his quest for revenge against that dragon what killed his sister. And so the ship sets sail. On land. One of the clever ideas director Ryan Little had (other than replacing Herman Melville's whale with a dragon) was to change the novel's sea-faring boat to some kind of armoured shed. Rolling along at two miles per hour, it's like watching a wheelie bin covered with crossbows, or Vinnie Jones driving a mobility scooter.

Amongst all the manly men is Ahab's daughter, Rachel (Pernas). She has breasts. But far more important to the story, she has breasts. The romantic chemistry between her and Ishmael is evident from the start: "What's your name?" she asks the young harpooner. "You can call me... Ishmael," he replies. Because that's his name.

Everyone seems to pause mid-sentence. Maybe it's for dramatic effect. Maybe they can't act. Or maybe they're trying to make the worst script since The Last Airbender last the whole 91 minutes. One thing they could have done to make it longer? Add in some ruddy dragons. There are barely any in it, even though the movie's called Age of the flipping Dragons.

Instead, Little spends an hour filming Danny Glover stagger about like Jack Sparrow's idiot cousin. "He cannot come out in the daylight, unless he keeps his mask on," warns Rachel. Ahab then spends the rest of the movie standing outside in the daylight taking his mask off. And don't get me started on the terrible CGI. The Great White Dragon isn't even white. It's yellow.

VERDICT

Who knew dragons could be rubbish? This should be B-Movie gold. It's A-grade bollocks.

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