Blood, guts and James Purefoy's sword - this is The Two Towers on a budget. Helm's Cheap? Hell yes.


Straight-faced nonsense, which offers a lot of fun. I love Liam Neeson killing people almost as much as he does.

Brief Encounters: Ironclad

Director Jonathan English chats to us about the Magna Carta, Brian Cox and blowing up Rochester Castle.

The Tempest

Like someone scribbled all over Shakespeare with really shiny crayons. A noisy affair, but still pretty enough to engage.

I Am Number Four

This rubbish Smallville rip-off is completely bonkers. It’s more mental than Knowing. And that had Nic Cage in it.

Strange Perve on a Train

Meet Black Swan's Uncle Hank - he's been riding Darren Aronofsky's subway ever since Pi.

The Rite

A masterclass in ham, The Rite isn't as wronge as you'd expect, but still as obvious as that terrible pun.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

A genuinely moving cinematic experience. You smile, I smile. Hell yes.

Animal Kingdom

A feature-length episode of Neighbours. But with more heroin and guns. Bonzer, mate.

True Grit

Terrifying consistent, the Coen Brothers have created a classic Western. Astonishing. Wonderful. Masterpiece. Hats.


A sci-fi send-up that’s as slapdash as Star Wars Episode I, but just amusing enough to get away with it.


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Home Blog Features BlogalongaBond: Dr. No (1962)
BlogalongaBond: Dr. No (1962) Print E-mail
Written by Ivan Radford   
Saturday, 29 January 2011 09:49

BlogalongaBond. One Bond film a month until Bond 23 turns up in November next year.

Mr. The Incredible Suit's evil scheme sounds like a great idea as long as you don't think about Roger Moore (ha, now you're thinking about Roger Moore).

But where to start? Well, how about with this exciting letter that I found lying in the skip behind Argos last night: 


Dear Dr. No,

I've always wanted to be a Bond villain, ever since I was voted most likely to be a megalomaniacal nutjob in primary school. But how do I start? I could always get round to hollowing out that volcano in the back yard, but my cat is very needy and takes up a lot of time. As a leading evil genius, any advice you can give to an ambitious criminal like me would be really nice. Perhaps you would like to be the first member of my new club, SPECTRE? We meet every Tuesday in my treehouse. Like The Famous Five. But evil.


Brian Oliver Blofeld.

PS. Do you think I should change my name? 


By an amazing coincidence, this highly educational pamphlet was also in the rubbish:

Dr. No's Guide to Being a Bond Villain

Step One: Chop off your hands


"Does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?" YES.

Once you're disabled you'll have the proper motivation to cut it as a Bond villain. But you don't have to cut off your hands (you get blood all over the keyboard when you type). Why not cut a scar on your face? Or burn yourself in an explosion? Or chop your ear off? (Van Gogh for Bond 24 villain - you heard it here first.)


Step Two: Buy an island base

If you can't get a volcano, get an island. Real estate is where it's at in the world of crime. Just make sure you give your top secret base a scary name. Like "Crab Key". Ooooo... *shivers*


Step Three: Get a dragon

Dragons are important. If you can't afford a dragon, buy a tractor, shove a can of deodorant on the front and retards will think it's a dragon. Others will appreciate your ramshackle home-made aesthetic. If all that fails, sharks (with or without laser cannons) are your best bet. Midgets with hats are also acceptable substitutes.


Step Four: Try to get Christopher Lee to play you

Ian Fleming himself wanted Christopher Lee (his distant cousin - fact) to play the part of Dr. Julius No. Noel Coward got asked too. Even David Suchet did the voice for BBC Radio 4's recent adaptation. But Joseph Wiseman is a great example of a versatile character actor. Choose someone like him to play you. Sure, you could argue that he's no Christopher Lee, but put Dr. No's Nehru jacket against Scaramanga's third nipple and it's obvious who comes out on top: James Bond, duh.


Step Five: Exploit women whenever possible

Women are sex objects - exploit them where you can. It sounds like Sky Sports wisdom (Andy Gray would be a terrible Bond villain) but it's Bond gospel: if you have a spare pair of legs in a skirt, use them to lure 007 into a deathtrap. Give them a funny name, like Pussy Galore, to make them sound like harmless bimbos and no-one will suspect a thing. (WARNING: this does not work if you use a minger like Miss Taro, who also has a crap name.)


Step Six: Say threatening things in a dramatic voice

"I do not like failure. You are not going to fail me again, Professor Dent."

Always use your teacher's voice when addressing minions. Try speaking to them in an empty room to maximise your spooky vocal qualities. Then threaten them with vague promises of general unpleasantness. Great practice for saying crucial lines to more important people. Like James flipping Bond. 


Step Seven: Put drugs in everything at all times

Being a Bond villain isn't just about getting high - although by all means get high if you wish, it didn't do Baron Samedi any harm. But you should still put drugs in everything at all times. Dirty underhand tricks are trademarks of a villain and you'll always be ready just in case James Bond gets thirshty and needsh hish cup of breakfasht tea. Rophynol is in this year. Alternatively, just poison his Martini. Or shove a spider in his bed. He NEVER sees that one coming.


Step Eight: Monologue, monologue, monologue

Nobody likes a bloke with no hands who goes on and on at the dinner table. But if you don't explain your evil plans (hint: world domination) then no-one will ever believe you're a Bond villain at all. An organisation with a silly name is a great idea. While you're at it, get a ring or a business card. That'll prove you're really serious about your career.


Step Nine: Hire a really cool architect

This is vital if you want to get the mood right. Hire Ken Adams to design your production and your evil HQ will look well sharp. Especially if you can get some giant metal doors that look like those ones from X-Men. "Dr. No" sounds way better than "Professor X". Whatever that guy's a "Professor" in anyway.


Step Ten: Don't get crap all over you

It sounds obvious, but you don't want to look crap when you finally kick the bucket. Punch-ups on planes, shoot-outs in space, falling into a newspaper press - these are the ways that real Bond villains sign off. In Fleming's original book, Dr. No dies buried under a pile of guano, so Joseph Wiseman did well to go out on a high note.

David Suchet's death as Radio 4's Dr. No, on the other hand, was a lot less glamorous - the BBC naturally stuck to Fleming's original account of events. Death by nuclear reactor? Classy. Death by bird poo? Not so much.


Dr. No(t) as Good as Joseph Wiseman



BlogalongaBond will return in February in... From Russia With Love. Check out the other BlogalongaBonders here.



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Comments (1)
1Monday, 31 January 2011 18:42
Pure brilliance. I hope you keep up these Bond how-tos, because this was absolutely hilarious. How to be a Bond girl, perhaps?