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|BlogalongaBond: Dr. No (1962)
|Written by Ivan Radford
|Saturday, 29 January 2011 09:49
BlogalongaBond. One Bond film a month until Bond 23 turns up in November next year.
Dear Dr. No,
I've always wanted to be a Bond villain, ever since I was voted most likely to be a megalomaniacal nutjob in primary school. But how do I start? I could always get round to hollowing out that volcano in the back yard, but my cat is very needy and takes up a lot of time. As a leading evil genius, any advice you can give to an ambitious criminal like me would be really nice. Perhaps you would like to be the first member of my new club, SPECTRE? We meet every Tuesday in my treehouse. Like The Famous Five. But evil.
Brian Oliver Blofeld.
PS. Do you think I should change my name?
By an amazing coincidence, this highly educational pamphlet was also in the rubbish:
Dr. No's Guide to Being a Bond Villain
Step One: Chop off your hands
"Does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?" YES.
Step Two: Buy an island base
If you can't get a volcano, get an island. Real estate is where it's at in the world of crime. Just make sure you give your top secret base a scary name. Like "Crab Key". Ooooo... *shivers*
Step Three: Get a dragon
Dragons are important. If you can't afford a dragon, buy a tractor, shove a can of deodorant on the front and retards will think it's a dragon. Others will appreciate your ramshackle home-made aesthetic. If all that fails, sharks (with or without laser cannons) are your best bet. Midgets with hats are also acceptable substitutes.
Step Four: Try to get Christopher Lee to play you
Ian Fleming himself wanted Christopher Lee (his distant cousin - fact) to play the part of Dr. Julius No. Noel Coward got asked too. Even David Suchet did the voice for BBC Radio 4's recent adaptation. But Joseph Wiseman is a great example of a versatile character actor. Choose someone like him to play you. Sure, you could argue that he's no Christopher Lee, but put Dr. No's Nehru jacket against Scaramanga's third nipple and it's obvious who comes out on top: James Bond, duh.
Step Five: Exploit women whenever possible
Women are sex objects - exploit them where you can. It sounds like Sky Sports wisdom (Andy Gray would be a terrible Bond villain) but it's Bond gospel: if you have a spare pair of legs in a skirt, use them to lure 007 into a deathtrap. Give them a funny name, like Pussy Galore, to make them sound like harmless bimbos and no-one will suspect a thing. (WARNING: this does not work if you use a minger like Miss Taro, who also has a crap name.)
Step Six: Say threatening things in a dramatic voice
"I do not like failure. You are not going to fail me again, Professor Dent."
Step Seven: Put drugs in everything at all times
Being a Bond villain isn't just about getting high - although by all means get high if you wish, it didn't do Baron Samedi any harm. But you should still put drugs in everything at all times. Dirty underhand tricks are trademarks of a villain and you'll always be ready just in case James Bond gets thirshty and needsh hish cup of breakfasht tea. Rophynol is in this year. Alternatively, just poison his Martini. Or shove a spider in his bed. He NEVER sees that one coming.
Step Eight: Monologue, monologue, monologue
Nobody likes a bloke with no hands who goes on and on at the dinner table. But if you don't explain your evil plans (hint: world domination) then no-one will ever believe you're a Bond villain at all. An organisation with a silly name is a great idea. While you're at it, get a ring or a business card. That'll prove you're really serious about your career.
Step Nine: Hire a really cool architect
This is vital if you want to get the mood right. Hire Ken Adams to design your production and your evil HQ will look well sharp. Especially if you can get some giant metal doors that look like those ones from X-Men. "Dr. No" sounds way better than "Professor X". Whatever that guy's a "Professor" in anyway.
Step Ten: Don't get crap all over you
It sounds obvious, but you don't want to look crap when you finally kick the bucket. Punch-ups on planes, shoot-outs in space, falling into a newspaper press - these are the ways that real Bond villains sign off. In Fleming's original book, Dr. No dies buried under a pile of guano, so Joseph Wiseman did well to go out on a high note.
Dr. No(t) as Good as Joseph Wiseman
BlogalongaBond will return in February in... From Russia With Love. Check out the other BlogalongaBonders here.