There's nothing like a live blog to get you in the mood. Especially for a unnecessary sequel.

Yes, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is without a doubt pointless. But hey, it can't be worse than the other sequels. After all, Dead Man's Chest and At World's End were really quite rubbish. At least, I think I remember thinking they were rubbish. But what if I was wrong? (I wasn't.) (Was I?)

And so before Pirates 4 lands in cinemas on Wednesday 18th May, we set sail into oceans past for a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Drink up, me hearties. You're going to need that rum come Pirates 2.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

0:00 Really not sure why I’m doing this. 

1:00 IT’S THAT GUY FROM COUPLING! 

1:20 IT’S JONATHAN PRYCE! 

This excitement may continue for some time - let me enjoy myself while I still can.

1:39 We open with a foggy ocean and a small girl looking overboard at ship-wrecked remains. The umbrella floating upside down on the water is a brilliantly surreal touch from director Gore Verbinski...

2:04 … and that's swiftly followed by a young Orlando Bloom. Which still makes no sense in my opinion. Why was he on that ship? What ship was it? Does anyone know the answer to that?

3:30 “My name’s Elizabeth Swann.” “Will Turner!” “It’s OK. I’m watching over you, Will…” And so begins the Most Annoying Romance in the history of modern cinema.

4:00 Little Keira Knightley > Big Keira Knightley

8:00 And now it's time for Jack Sparrow's entrance. Klaus Badelt’s music here really is genuinely impressive.  Stupid Hans Zimmer teaching young ‘uns how to write good music.

8:10 It’s a brilliant visual joke too. Riding the top of the sail into the port while his little rowing boat is actually sinking. A BRILLIANT visual joke, I say.

Subverting dramatic conventions for comic effect. Or something.

9:30 In fact, Johnny Depp's entrance is so brilliant that even the little black kid is impressed. Now that's ACTING, baby. 

09:42 It's since been drawn to my attention that I missed something out here: the Harbormaster who welcomes Cap'n Jack to Port Royal is actually none other than Guy Siner, better known as Lieutenant Gruber in 'Allo 'Allo! I am, of course, ashamed that I didn't listen carefully enough to spot it the first time round.

10:50 Oh look, Jonathan Pryce has popped up again. He's wearing a blue hat. Very nice.

11:05 It’s very tempting to just quote the dialogue for now. “There’s no real ship that can match the Interceptor for speed.” “The Black Pearl is a real ship.” “No it’s not.” “Yes it is, I’ve seen it…” This is text book silly stuff from Disney stalwarts Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who were brought in to touch up the script. They did the same job on Aladdin, you know.

12:12 Forgive me if I suddenly switch to the DVD commentaries. It helps drown out Orlando Bloom's face. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Jay Wolpert, the guy who wrote the original draft of the script - which involved Will Turner being a prison guard or some other such nonsense.

13:55 Ooo, it's another very good visual joke with Keira Knightley falling off the cliff (spoiler: she survives). Old Gore Verbinski really does have an eye for slapstick humour. Quality stuff.

16:15 Keira's turn to do some commentary. As Jack slices open her corset: "There are no breast implants here. The breasts are actually smaller at this time than at any other point in the movie." BREAST FACT. You go, sister. Power to the bras.

17:11 Wolpert continues his insightful comments with an explanation of the characters' names, which are all animal-related: "Swann. Because she’s graceful like a swan. Sparrow. Because he wants to be free. I was one step away from calling Turner something like Will Bear, but after two characters named after animals, it gets a bit obvious”. Don't worry, Jay, it's NOT AT ALL OBVIOUS.

20:00 "It’s good to cast Johnny in a role in a big action film because he doesn’t usually do big action films..." says someone. Ah, to be back in 2004 when that was actually true. Bloody Jack Sparrow and his blooming sequels.

22:00 And now we're at the rather excellent sword fight scene. "Have I threatened you before?" slurs Jack. "I make a point of not associating with pirates!" shouts Orlando Bloom. You can barely spot the characterisation.

23:00 Johnny is staggering around like a drunken fool. With a sword. It’s at times like this that you really notice how much Russell Brand spends his life trying to be Johnny Depp. 

24:00 One of the best lines of the film: “You need to find yourself a girl mate. Or perhaps you have already found one and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet. You’re not a eunuch are you…?” That eunuch joke was taken out the script, apparently. And Johnny put it back in anyway. What a rebel.

26:30 And now they're waving bones at the dog. A quick word about the dog. The dog is apparently from the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean theme park ride. In America, audiences cheer when they see him and everything. Seriously, the dog. Goodness knows why. At times like this I’m proud to be British. We're smaller and more pathetic, but at least we don't spend our evenings giving standing ovations to fictional dogs.

32:00 Oh look, it's Mackenzie Crook and... that other guy. They're both a bit annoying.

37:00 IT’S GEOFFREY RUSH! Ok, I’ve remember why I like this film so much now. Mainly because it’s brilliant. And Geoffrey Rush is in it.

43:00 I’m Captain Jack Sparrow, mate. Savvy? (Warning: this line becomes signifcantly less awesome after you've heard 50 BILLION TIMES.)

43:21 I keep jumping ahead and try to live blog Pirates 2 and 3 while still watching the first one. Sorry. That's not live blogging. That's, like, FUTURE BLOGGING. Wow. Must start future blogging major events in the future. Or now. Whichever is more futuristic.

1:00:00 It's now starting to remind me a lot of Muppet Treasure Island. PotC is almost as good with its motley crew of slappers and parrots. But it's definitely missing Dead Tom.

1:06:28 Time for some cross-dressing! Mackenzie Crook in a dress. Still, he looks better than he did in that Demons programme. Did you watch that? It was like Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner had an idiot lovechild and it grew up to become an ITV producer.

1:07:00 “For someone not keen on pirates, you’re well on your way to becoming one.” “Not all treasure is gold, mate.” Who says blockbusters can't have moral messages? After all, Armageddon taught us about the repercussions of playing with animal biscuits and Liv Tyler.

1:09:00 "First thing I’m going to do when I’m cured: eat a whole bushel of apples..." You see? Even Geoffrey Rush is handing out advice for the kids. God, please let my child grow up to be Geoffrey Rush. Preferably in a hat.

1:13:30 "Mr Gibbs?" Yes, Mr Gibbs, who we first met at the beginning of the film, has now abandoned the Royal Navy and become a pirate. I'm fairly sure this MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. Or maybe it does. Whatever. He has cool sideburns.

1:15:30 "It wasn't your blood they needed. It was my blood. The blood of a pirate." Great, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom have another scene together. It's like watching two wardrobes having a converstion.

1:20:23 Ships are battling each other! Cannons to the right of them! Cannons to the the left of them! Wait, that's got nothing to do with this.

1:21:02 Does anyone else remember Hornblower?

1:21:52 Ioan Gruffud. Now there was a REAL pirate. If by pirate, you mean person who is not a pirate.

1:22:00 I do love the copious use of the monkey. You can say what you like about the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, but it did wonders for the monkey acting industry. There aren't enough monkeys in modern cinema. Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura 2. That's about it. And remember, these poor monkeys have children to feed and AIDS to spread. It's not easy work.

1:24:01 JERRY BRUCKHEIMER ALERT.

1:28:49 I know people who think Pirates 2 and 3 are better than this. I really don't know why.

1:30:00 Number of times Keira Knightley could have died but didn't: 9. Number of times Orlando Bloom could have died but didn't: too many.

1:35:44 Another oddly surreal shot from Mr Verbinski, this time of Johnny Depp's head with sky rushing past it. It all just really makes me want to watch Rango again...

1:42:59 The rum has all gone. Sad face.

1:44:05 Jonathan Pryce is back! And he's wearing a GREEN HAT. Happy face!

1:45:07 Does Mackenzie Crook really need to repeat every phrase that the other guy says? No. Does he do it anyway? Yes. Bring back the monkey.

1:46:24 Slow-motion zombie pirates walking underwater? When I saw this in the cinema, I think I was the only person laughing at this point.

1:47:45 And here's that cross-dressing bit we all wanted. If this were being made now, it would be Simon Pegg and Nick Frost playing the double act.

1:48:01 There's actually a really nice tracking shot down the boat while skeleton pirates take out the crew members on the ship. Technically, this is brilliant stuff. Yes, I just praised a Disney summer blockbuster for its cinematography. You wait till I compliment Pirates 2 on its visual effects.

1:50:10 They stole Jonathan Pryce's wig! No more green hat. Sad face.

1:51:30 The sword fight between Captain Jack and Barbossa is also seriously impressive. Not least because they're both immortal and the whole fight therefore has no threat for either person. Despite that, there's still a good amount of tension. That's partly because the CGI is really decent.

But it's probably more to do with Klaus Badelt's insanely catchy score. Let's listen to some more of it.

1:54:00 I just noticed Geoffrey Rush is wearing yellow contact lenses. Neat bit of costume design there. Subtle, but effective.

1:56:10 "I feel... old." What an amazing death from Geoffrey Rush. Or should I say, BAFTA Award-winning actor, Geoffrey Rush. The King's Speech has got nothing on this. CGI blood looks crap though.

1:58:52 Attempt at romantic farewell = fail. It's like that time I chose not to buy that wardrobe from IKEA.

1:59:35 Classic swashbuckling motif, here. A hanging foiled by daring rescue attempt involving a parrot. And a mention of a time when Captain Jack Sparrow impersonated a clergy of the Church of England.

2:00:24 Orlando Bloom's hat looks gay. A warm-up for The Three Musketeers clearly. He'll make a great Duke of Buckingham. The Duke of Buckingham is made of wood, right?

2:01:20 Keira Knightley pretends to faint. She's great at acting like someone who can't act. Although I do maintain that it's just this Swann character that's rubbish and she's actually a great actress. Thousands would disagree with me. In fact, they regularly do. Curse you, disagreers!

2:03:39 "We've arrived at a special place. Spritually. Ecumenically. Gramattically." I dread to think what Jay Wolpert's script would have been like at this point. Nice work, Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott.

1:66:24 I would make a point about the fact that even this shot of them standing next to the arch (and not under it) shows the subversive nature of this comedy romp's narrative. I would do, but that would make me a pretentious twat. So I won't.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest 

01:24 Slow-motion ocean waves? Ponderous music? What is this, Brighton Rock?

01:57 Oh dear. Keira Knightley weeping in the rain. We're not off to a good start...

02:43 Oh look, they've arrested Orlando Bloom. Didn't know you could get handcuffs to fit a wardrobe. Probably had to go to IKEA special like.

02:54 "Why is this happening?" blubbers Keira. "I don't know," replies Orlando. This is high quality exposition we're getting here. Amazing work.

03:09 IT'S TOM HOLLANDER! And just when I thought this film couldn't be good in any way, up pops my favourite small person.

Sadly, he doesn't seem to be wearing his lemon yellow tracksuit or speaking in a Dutch accent. Total disappointment. He does, however, have a piece of paper saying he's a bad motherfucker.

05:14 Flying crows all around the Black Pearl with some bells tolling on the soundtrack. Bless him, that Verbinski really is trying for the artistic flourishes to go with the franchise's new, darker tone. He's not quite Alfonso Cuaron or Guillermo del Toro, though, is he?

06:50 Captain Jack Sparrow just shot his way out of a black coffin. I'm not sure that's really necessary just to make a grand entrance. Couldn't he just parachute off a cliff on skis like a normal hero?

08:14 The undead monkey just showed up. Undead monkeys have a separate union to the normal monkeys. They are equally underpaid in Hollywood. Pray for zombie Mojo.

10:11 TOM HOLLANDER'S BACK. And he's talking to Orlando Bloom about how Jack Sparrow doesn't fit into this world anymore and is a dying breed, yada yada yada... As he says this, a giant clock is being hoisted up in the background. Wow. 

12:24 Back on the Black Pearl with the compass that doesn't point North. That's apparently the Maguffin of this here film. Either that or the picture of the key that Jack Sparrow was waving about a moment ago.

12:25 "Why is the rum always gone?" I'm asking myself that already.

13:03 And now Stellan Sarsgaard has turned up, all dripping with water and covered in barnacles. It's Bootstrap Bill! That guy who was the father of the guy what Orlando Bloom played in the first film! Clearly, this is a film with brains, characters and soul. And barnacles.

13:40 Wait a minute, shouldn't Orlando Bloom's father be a wardrobe?

15:58 So this Bootstrap guy, right. He lives on this ship captained by Davey Jones, right. And this Davey Jones, yeah, he like owns Bootstrap's soul and stuff. But then it turns out that Jack Sparrow, right, he gone done a deal with Davey Jones to raise his ship, the Black Pearl, so he could, like, be captain of it and stuff. It's bare convoluted, blud, innit.

That's what you'd hear if you were on a bus and some teenagers were explaining the plot. The film makes no more sense than that.

16:00 And now Captain Jack's been given The Black Spot. So that's the Maguffin now. The Black Spot. Or Jack's soul. Or the Black Pearl. Or that compass. ONE OF THEM IS DEFINITELY WHAT THIS FILM IS ABOUT.

17:00 So this whole Black Spot thing? Yeah, it was much better when the Muppets did it in Muppet Treasure Island. Mind you, everything was better when the Muppets did it.

18:25 The Kraken just took out a whole ship. Thought you'd like to know. Presumably The Kraken is the Maguffin of the movie. Him or the Black Spot. Or the compass. Or the boat. Or the picture with the key on it.

19:08 Oh great, boring romance from the wardrobe twins. "If it weren't for these bars, I'd already have you..." VOMIT. Wish The Kraken would come and get them already. Oh wait, I don't think that happens until the third film. Great. Where's the rum again?

25:37 JONATHAN PRYCE HAT WATCH: He's wearing a black hat. Ooo, serious.

26:45 Amazingly, Keira Knightley and Tom Hollander are the same height. That makes any scene involving the two of them surprisingly exciting. Wait, did I say exciting? I meant dull. Oh, and she's going to get the compass for him - as is Orlando Bloom. Both to try and get official papers to pardon someone else from death. Hopefully they both fail and everyone dies.

28:35 Oh how wonderful. Mackenzie Crook and that other bloke is back. They're not wearing dresses anymore. Shame.

39:39 Captain Jack is the king of a cannibal tribe and he's got silly face paints on! Look! His eyes looks the same when they're closed as when they're open! OMG IT'S SO FUNNY. 

That was 15 minutes ago. In other news, we've been on this flipping island for 15 minutes too long.

40:01 Time for some bamboo cage rolling action. It's like watching Gladiators on TV. But without Wolf. Or any of the things that made Gladiators good. Like tight spandex uniforms. And Jet.

Specifically, Jet in a tight spandex uniform. (Any excuse.)

41:00 Finally, a decent visual joke involving Jack Sparrow turning into a makeshift kebab. Maybe some slapstick entertainment is still on the cards.

42:25 Boy, they do love putting that dog from the theme park ride in the frame next to anything that's happening. Prison cells, cannibal tribes, rowing boats. Maybe one of the writers saw Shakespeare in Love and thought that dogs were the key to respectable storylines. Either way, somewhere in the world right now, an American is cheering his arse off.

43:55 Orlando Bloom has just asked Jack Sparrow for the compass. He says he'll swap it for the key. Or the picture of the key. Or something. Can you say "long-winded way to get the band back together"?

47:55 "Mind the boat," says one of the crew, who passes the order down the line. It goes all the way to last bloke. Much like the exact same joke from Bugsy Malone. Which in theory makes this Bugsy Malone with pirates. Which sounds far better than it actually is.

49:50 "You have a destiny about you... William... Turner..." Says Tia Dalma. A black woman. Who lives in a swamp. And is therefore a witch. There's nothing like a stereotype to get your evening going.

53:18 MAGUFFIN UPDATE: The key opens a heart! The heart of Davey Jones. So the Maguffin is Davey Jones' heart. In a box. Which needs the key to open it. And the compass to find it. And a boat to sail in using the compass as a guide. Or something. To sum it all up in Tia Dalma's words: "He cut out him heart." Does this make sense yet?

57:25 IT'S BILL NIGHY! And he's voicing a bloke who looks like a squid. It all sounded so good on paper...

"One hundred souls... Three days..." *snort* Even as a CGI pirate, he're unmistakable.

1:13:33 Ok, I'll admit that calling the box that Davey Jones keeps his heart in the "Dead Man's Chest" is quite a clever play on the old pirate terminology. Nice to have the phrase Davey Jones' Locker bandied about too. Although we haven't seen said locker. Or what he keeps in it. Probably a spare heart. Or a clean pair of boxers.

1:17:17 They've taken Jonathan Pryce's hat away. Sad face.

1:20:04 There's some stupid game with some dice. It's very boring. So instead, here's a picture of Tom Hollander.

1:27:21 MAGUFFIN UPDATE: Orlando Bloom has the key. Keira has the compass. Stellan Sarsgaard has barnacles on his face. And Jack Davenport has a beard. Did I mention Jack Davenport was in the sequel? I must have missed that amidst all the Maguffin excitement.

1:30:00 KRAKEN O'CLOCK. Admittedly, this is better than the remake of Clash of the Titans. 

1:32:30 Nice bit of organ on the soundtrack too. Although I mostly hate the music because Hans Zimmer suddenly decided to replace his protege Klaus Badelt once the franchise became massively successful. Oh well, at least Klaus went on to do good things like Constantine and Solomon Kane. And, rather brilliantly, 2008's French thriller Anything for Her.

The Davey Jones theme (Zimmer)

1:45:24 An hour and 45 minutes in and FINALLY the band's back together. Cue lots of running around after the chest. And some sword fights. And Keira Knightley shouting.

1:47:28 All this duelling on top of a ruined house and climbing up the steps reminds me of Highlander. But for some reason, Will Turner's moustache doesn't make him Spanish. I thought that was the rule with facial hair and men...?

1:51:12 Still annoys me when they reuse Klaus Badelt's signature theme, He's a Pirate, without remixing it. If it was that iconic, why couldn't they just get old Klaus back in?

1:51:12 The more I look at the three men fighting inside that moving wheel, the more it looks like a stationary object with some scenery moving around behind it.

1:59:21 Triple cannons? Bet Hornblower didn't have those

2:05:57 Ok, confession time: I'm really enjoying this Kraken attack. It took two hours, but I'm finally enjoying something in this film. Mainly because of the noise the suckers on the tentacles make as they slither through the ship and kill people. Schlupclupslipishop-arrrgh. Something like that.

2:10:37 And now the action part's over and for some reason Captain Jack is being sacrificed to die with the ship. Because Keira handcuffed him to the boat. Although I don't really care what happens to either of them. Shame about the boat though. The Black Pearl craps all over the Dawn Treader.

2:17:41 Now if only there were a way to bring back Jack Sparrow and the Black Pearl for a third film...

2:17:51 Oh look, it's that black witch lady what lives in a swamp. And Geoffrey Rush! If only there were some kind of sequel that combined the two in a pointless adventure for at least 147 minutes...

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End 

00:33 Bizarrely, this is the only one of the trilogy DVDs to start with the Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer logos. Either that or I just blacked out in the previous two. That would be the rum.

01:32 "Right to assembly. Suspended. Right to habeas corpus. Suspended. Right to legal advice. Suspended." Massive props to Gore Verbinski for having the balls to start off with a scene of mass hanging. Wonderfully bleak.

02:24 Bleakness slightly ruined by introducing a little boy singing a silly little song.

04:14 And now they're ALL singing the stupid song on their way to the gallows. Wasn't their right to singing suspended as well? It should have been.

09:13 Keira Knightley just pulled a gun from her arse.

09:15 I repeat: KEIRA KNIGHTLEY JUST PULLED A GUN OUT OF HER ARSE. 

Before	After

09:30 The guy in the background doesn't know WHERE to look.

12:21 Throwing his arms up into the air and turning round to face the camera in a room shrouded by steam - it's nice to know Chow Yun Fat is still taking himself seriously.

14:37 MAGUFFIN UPDATE: the song has been sung. Whatever that means. And the Nine Pirate Lords must gather for some kind of coffee morning/meeting/thing. And there are some maps. And a coin. And something about nine pieces of eight. But for the moment, it's all about Chow Yun Fat's moustache - that's the most important maguffin of all.

22:01 Orlando Bloom just set fire to a pile of fireworks. It's nice to know that Jerry Bruckheimer can still blow things up on land when required. 

23:59 Tom Hollander is back! And he's playing with tiny model ships to make himself look taller. Clever boy. 

24:59 JONATHAN PRYCE HAT NEWS: he is still not wearing a hat.

27:30 So apparently, Davey Jones' ship The Flying Dutchman must always have a captain. And if you kill his heart, you have to take his place and shepherd dead souls across to the other side. And then you can return to the normal world once every ten years. That's a hefty chunk of expositional nonsense. After which the black witch lady stares at Orlando Bloom and says something about destiny. Gee, I wonder where this is going. Probably to some kind of stage musical in 2014. You heard it here first.

28:45 While they all talk about green flashes in the sky at sunset and bringing people back from the land of the dead, now seems as good a time as any to run down a list of Top 5 Pirates (not including Pirates of the Caribbean). 

1. Dread Pirate Roberts (The Princess Bride, 1987)

2. Long John Silver (Muppet Treasure Island, 1996)

3. Captain Hook (Hook, 1991)

4. One-Eyed Willie (The Goonies, 1985) 

5. Morgan Adams (Cutthroat Island, 1995)

Ok, so the Cutthroat Island mention is a joke. But let's face it: Cutthroat Island was always a joke.

37:57 Captain Jack Sparrow. And Captain Jack Sparrow. And Captain Jack Sparrow. So many multiple personalities played by Johnny Depp! It's like Secret Window all over again.

39:03 I do actually quite like the mental CGI depiction of this world beyond the grave. Partly because of the weird rocks that turn into tiny white crabs. And partly because - once again - Gore Verbinski loves mucking about with the more surreal stuff when he can. Speaking of which, I wanted to post this earlier, but only just got round to searching through YouTube for it:

46:58 "It's my ship, that makes me captain!" "Arrr, but I have the charts!" "That makes you chart-man..." Captain Jack and Captain Barbossa back together again. That lack of chemistry is what made Pirates 2 so rubbish - and no, Keira and Orlando didn't have chemistry. They had woodworm. Or some other wardrobey condition.

47:02 Wait, did I just say this was good? It's not. I don't think. Or is it? I don't know anymore. RUM.

52:09 Sailing through the world of the dead is a nicely eerie sequence. Ghosts floating past in rowing boats. And then Jonathan Pryce turns up. He's dead. But at least he died to give us some exposition about Davey Jones' heart. Which is still the Maguffin of choice. Maybe.

52:15 I should add that Jonathan Pryce died with a hat on. Which is exactly what he would have wanted.

1:00:43 After some fun jiggery pokery with the boat flipping upside down at sunset/sunrise, it's time for another Mexican stand-off. That's the 50th Mexican stand-off they've had in the series so far. Getting a bit sick of these now. STOP TRYING TO BE RESERVOIR DOGS.

1:02:10 Mackenzie Crook's glass eyeball fell out again. That's the 50th time that's happened too. Getting a bit sick of that as well. STOP TRYING TO BE PIRATES 1.

1:04:15 Time for more talk of last pirates standing and the end to the pirate way of life. It's hardly The Wild Bunch. "There's never a guarantee of coming back," says Geoffrey Rush, wistfully. After all, it's not as if they're making a Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

1:06:42 Keira Knightley just pouted. I've lost count of the number of times that's happened. Seriously, though, she can actually act. I mean that.

1:12:39 Time for a showdown between Tom Hollander and Jack Sparrow. Lots of bargains, deals and double-crosses. Naturally, none of it makes a bit of difference and things continue much as they were. New theory: Tom Hollander is the Maguffin.

1:13:12 Tom Hollander and Johnny Depp seem to be the same height as well. Weird.

1:14:35 Jack Sparrow just catapulted himself from ship to the other using a cannon. It's been going on for one hour too long, but at least At World's End has a better sense of humour than Dead Man's Chest. Wait, did I just say this was good again?

1:14:49 "Do you think he plans it all out, or just makes it up as he goes along?" Tom Hollander's soldier is either talking about Jack Sparrow, or the screenwriters. Probably both.

1:16:10 Keira Knightley has just been crowned some sort of female sea goddess called Calypso. This sub-plot goes nowhere, but at least she gets to wear a pretty hat. Maybe Keira Knightley's actually the Maguffin. Unless it's the compass. Or the map. Or the boat. Or Tom Hollander. Whatever. LOOK AT HER HAT.

1:16:27 I miss Jonathan Pryce. And his hats.

1:16:40 She just pouted again.

1:21:44 And Stellan Sarsgaard is back. "The Dutchman must always have a captain. If he saves me, he loses you," he growls at Keira Knightley, through his barnacles. Well, that's the ending of the film confirmed. Here's hoping we get there within 30 minutes. What's that? There's another 80 MINUTES? I'm off to get more rum.

1:34:40  More bargaining and cross-bargaining. This time with Tom Hollander, Orlando Bloom and Davey Jones. As long as no-one asks me what they said, I promise I understood exactly what happened. Honest.

1:38:39 And now the Nine Pirate Lords meet for their coffee morning. "Shoot him!" "Cut out his tongue!" "Cut out his tongue and shoot the tongue!" Sadly none of these things happen. Instead, they talk some more. For 20 minutes.

1:38:45 I'm bored.

1:41:30 In the middle of all this, Calypso turns Bill Nighy back into a human. Meh, there's not much difference really. 

1:42:20 Oh, and Calypso is the black witch voodoo lady after all, by the way. In case you thought it would be anyone else. No? Good.

1:44:44 IT'S KEITH RICHARDS. WOW, HE'S NOT DEAD. Ok, I've stop caring now. What a pointless cameo.

1:46:41 In other news, Elizabeth Swann just got elected Pirate King. No use of AV here - good old First Past The Post. She pledged to take everyone to war. Will she do a Clegg and go back on her word? Ooo, what powerful political subtext this film has. If by political subtext, you mean hats.

1:51:22 "You can choose to fight and all of you will die. Or you can choose to not fight, and only most of you will die." Tom Hollander for Bond villain please. Preferably with the yellow tracksuit from Hanna:

1:57:31 And HEEEEERE'S CALYPSO. Yes, she's a giant 50 ft woman. And yes, she just turned into crabs.

Before	After

I figure this puts her above Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels and on a par with Dude Where's My Car?

1:57:49 You know, if they removed the Calypso sub-plot altogether, this film would be rather decent. And 30 minutes shorter.

1:58:12 Keira Knightley is doing a speech thingy. She's shouting and rallying the troops to battle. And now she's up on the side of the ship. Calm down, dear. It's not Henry V. And you're not a real pirate. No, don't argue. You're not. 

2:04:27 And here comes the big battle... It's basically The Matrix Revolutions moment. But instead of robots and guns, we get a massive whirlpool. And that's moderately cool I suppose. Shame we couldn't have got to this part 40 minutes ago.

2:07:04 Bill Nighy just killed a guy by inserting his squiddy appendages into his face. I think that's akin to some kind of fish rape. Incidentally, if you sing the words "fish rape" to the TV theme for Stingray, it sounds rather catchy.

2:08:50 "Elizabeth! Will you marry me?" Orlando Bloom shouts in the middle of chopping fish people's heads off. "I don't think now's the best time..." Too right. Can't they leave it to after the end credits?

2:10:15 And now Captain Barbossa is performing some kind of marital ceremony mid-battle. For those considering the same option, it should be noted that this is not a legally binding ceremony. Still, at least they have swords. That's one better than What Happens in Vegas, I suppose.

2:12:47 Fish rape... FISH RAPE. Na na-na na-na.

2:13:49 Again, it's hard to deny the stonkingly good effects going on at the moment. Jack Sparrow and Bill Nighy fighting on top of a storm-drenched mast? Yes please.

2:14:47 Again, I'm actually enjoying this colossal orgy of CGI. Worrying.

2:16:40 Right, I've had enough now. 15 minutes of fighting? We get the idea.

2:17:21 WHY WON'T IT END?

2:18:22 Oh noes, Bill Nighy stabbed Orlando Bloom! Call the carpenter. Who's going to put the wardrobe back together?

2:20:49 And now Mr. Wardrobe is out of the way, everything's chilled out a bit. The weather's back to its default pretty setting and Keira's pouting. All is right with the world.

2:22:27 Wait, Orlando Bloom just came back from the dead as The Flying Dutchman's captain. We're still not rid of him. ALL IS NOT RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. 

2:23:30 And now they're all shouting to shoot the cannons at Tom Hollander. "FIRE!" says Cap'n Jack. "FIRE!" says Mr Gibbs. "FIRE!" yells Orlando Bloom. "FYRA!" screams Keira. Because it's really hard to say the word "fire".

2:25:50 Tom Hollander gets his own slow-motion death scene, walking down the ship's deck as everything blows up around him. It's like watching a Sony BRAVIA advert. Not necessarily in a bad way.

2:26:46 And now it's time for all the pirates to celebrate! YARR! They won! They beat the other people! "Shiver me timbers!" hollers the English one. "Allez!" cries the French one. The Chinese woman just screams her face off.

2:29:00 And now Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom are separated for 10 years, with only one day to spend ashore together. Boo hoo. Or whatever. I can't wait until the fourth Pirates film comes along and doesn't have anything to do with either of them. *daydreams about Penelope Cruz*

There's a bit after the end credits, by the way. Orlando Bloom comes back from the dead to see Keira and his little 10 year old son. You could fast forward through the credits to watch it. Or you could just shoot yourself in the face before you choke to death on your own vomit. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is in cinemas on Wednesday 18th May. The trailer's over here.