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It's dark, your family have gone off to France without you. You're a sitting duck for opportunistic thieves looking to steal some seasonal goodies.

So what do you do? You call in the CCTV people to put up some cameras and alarms and stuff - or you just do a Kevin McCallister and follow these simple, cost-effective steps for cheap house protection.

Here's the Home Alone guide to home security:

 

 

 

For more Christmas tips and advice, keep opening the i-Flicks Advent Calendar to find other "How to..." infographics, including How to Be Santa.

 

 

"There's a horse running about in No Man's Land..."

So speaks an army man (not a horse) to another soldier (also not a horse) while standing around the battlefield like a couple of human beings who aren't horses. Then, with a surge of emotional music, out rides... A HORSE.

Just look at that horse go. Galloping along as bullets fly past and explosions go bang. Trotting up and down the trenches in the face of death. Sticking its middle hoof up to the Germans and the Russians.

Truly this is one special horse. A miraculous little creature, who canters about doing his horsey thing while all around him all the non-horses die. If only we could be more like the horse, that noble, graceful horse of war. The war horse.

"BE BRAVE!" yells an army general, teetering on the edge of battle, sitting on a horse. I'll be brave for you, horse! I'll stick my hoof up to The Man! I'll stand tall as Steven Spielberg, Richard Curtis and John Williams conspire to turn me into a sobbing pile of - what's that? Oh no, I'm not crying. It's just raining on my face.

War Horse is out in cinemas on Friday 13th January next year. It's already riding into my LFF Surprise Film predictions list. Read on for the full video.

I was up in the attic the other day feeding the ex-wife and came across something unexpected: a Joanna Trollope book. And, underneath the Trollope, a massive pile of VHS tapes. After several minutes of marvelling at this haven of modern technology (no HDMI cables, no upscaling, no scratched or lost discs), something struck me: this would be a great excuse for a blog post.

 

Trollope in the attic.		My hidden childhood.

 

So, every week I’ll be delving into the blue PVC bag of my forgotten youth and digging out a video cassette to watch on a 37” HD LCD TV and enjoy all the grainy detail. Who knows? It may even be a good film.

The first to go in the VCR? Steven Spielberg’s 1991 fantasy film, Hook.

 

   Jurassic Park Theme (1000% Slower) by birdfeeder

 

MY MIND IS BLOWN. It's some kind of... velocirapture?

After all that will-they-won't-they/are-they-aren't-they kerfuffle last week about Jurassic Park 4, this is just beautiful to listen to. Presuming you have 54 minutes to spare to hear John Williams' classic score played REALLY REALLY SLOWLY. It's even worth playing a little bit just to hear the climax around the 10 minute mark - it's like something out of Twin Peaks or Inception.

Now all we need is a Jurassic Park sequel from the perspective of the dinosaurs to go with it.