Jazz. Stream of consciousness. Kristen Stewart. Sam Riley. Jack Kerouac. If your feet, brain and eyes don't dig this On the Road trailer, we basically can't be friends.

On the Road is out in UK cinemas on Friday 12th October. Oh, and it's directed by Walter Salles. Like I say, if you don't like it, our relationship doesn't stand a chance.

Director: David Cronenberg
Cast: Keira Knightley, Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortensen
Certificate: 15

Sabina Speilrein (Knightley) is dragged into a Zurich mental hospital. She's hysterical. She looks like Keira Knightley. And her voice is really weird. How can she be cured? Carl Jung (Fassbender) decides to try out Sigmund Freud's (Mortensen) radical new talking therapy, psychoanalysis.  It may or may not involve spanking.

Michael Fassbender spanking Keira Knightley? It doesn't get more dangerous than that. But put Viggo Mortensen into the mix and you've got one risky (and, indeed, risqué) threesome. It goes without saying that it takes a truly crazy person to make a film about all of them.

Enter David Cronenberg, the madman who gave us The Fly and eXistenZ, as well as Eastern Promises and A History of Violence, a.k.a. them two films in which Viggo Mortensen takes his clothes off.

But how did it feel to take another man's clothes off instead? And where does Vincent Cassell fit in? And what on earth does the writer of the original play, Christopher Hampton, think of it all?

We hung upside down on the ceiling of the Odeon West End holding a dictaphone above a pool of sharks to bring you the life-threatening answers. Here are five dangerous notions we discovered at the A Dangerous Method LFF press conference:

Director: David Cronenberg
Cast: Keira Knightley, Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortensen
Showtimes

David Cronenberg takes on Christopher Hampton's play about the birth of psychoanalysis or "talking therapy" at the beginning of the 20th Century. A hysterical Sabina Speilrein (Knightley) is dragged into a Zurich mental hospital, where Carl Jung (Fassbender) attempts to treat her with Sigmund Freud's radical new approach. Meanwhiel, over in Vienna, Freud (Mortensen) has yet to publish a case of treatment using his new method of psychoanalysis. It may or may not involve spanking.

Sabina seeks out punishment, deriving excitement out of it, while Jung seeks to cure her of it. (Note: At this point, there's no actual spanking.) Sabina, having assisted Jung in his clinical practice (still no spanking), then enrols in the medical school in Zurich with the intention of studying psychiatry. She does very well. Still no spanking.

The trailer for A Dangerous Method has turned up online and it's got me all excited.

A film about the relationship between Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, two psychoanalytical professors who - according to factual resource Wikipedia - when they first met talked "for 13 hours virtually without stopping"? It doesn't sound that thrilling, until you remember the names involved. There's David Cronenberg, a director who's barely put a foot wrong in his mentile career. And there's Christopher Hampton, the writer who not only penned Dangerous Liaisons, but also adapted Atonement for the screen.

And then there are its two stars:

is FREUD

is JUNG

Reuniting once again with Viggo Mortensen after Eastern Promises and A History of Violence, Cronenberg's tale sees Freud and Jung smoking pipes, stroking beards, and occasionally doing naughty things to Keira Knightley. All of which begs the cerebral and intellectual question: WHEN WILL VIGGO TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF?

Sadly, judging by the trailer, it looks like we have to see Michael Fassbender go all Swiss on mistress Sabina (Knightley) instead. Not that I'm complaining. After all, it's Michael Fassbender. But I'd bet my Oedipus complex that Viggo gets naked at least once during the film. The chances of Freud bending metal with his mind are obviously are lot smaller. Although he does spend at least 3.2 seconds of the trailer spanking Knightley's bum off.

A Dangerous Method is out in the UK on Friday 10th February 2012. Read on for the full Michael-Fassbender-taking-clothes-off. I mean, video. Freud would have a field day with that one.

Director: John Hillcoat
Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Charlize Theron
Certificate: 15

"Soon all the trees in the world will have fallen... I think it's October, but I can’t be sure. I haven’t kept a calendar for years." The post-apocalyptic world is a grey place. Drowned in decaying ash, it sits in ruins, foraged by the few who survived. Among them are a father (Mortensen) and his boy (Smit-McPhee). They wander the wastelands, over the cracked ground, stepping between dead bodies and abandoned lives. It's a sombre scene, which stops you cold. This is The Road they have to walk.

Director: John Hillcoat
Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Kode Smit McPhee, Guy Pearce, Charlize Theron, Robert Duvall
Certificate: 15
Release Date: Friday 8th January

From Cormac McCarthy, author of No Country for Old Men, comes the highly anticipated big screen adaptation of the beloved, best-selling and Pulitzer Prize-winning novel, The Road. Academy Award-nominee Viggo Mortensen leads an all-star cast featuring Charlize Theron, Robert Duvall, Guy Pearce and young newcomer Kodi Smit-McPhee in this epic post-apocalyptic tale of the survival of a father (Mortensen) and his young son (Smit-McPhee) as they journey across a barren America that was destroyed by a mysterious cataclysm.

A masterpiece adventure, The Road boldly imagines a future in which men are pushed to the worst and the best that they are capable of—a future in which a father and his son are sustained by love.

Director: John Hillcoat
Cast: Viggo Mortensen, Kody Smit-McPhee, Charlize Theron
Certificate: TBC
Showing: Monday 19th October, 4:00pm

"Soon all the trees in the world will have fallen... I think it's October, but I can’t be sure. I haven’t kept a calendar for years." The post-apocalyptic world is a grey place. Drowned in decaying ash, it sits in ruins, ravaged by the few who survived. Among them are a father (Mortensen) and his boy (Kody). They wander the wastelands, over the cracked ground, stepping between dead bodies and abandoned lives. It's a sombre scene, which stops you cold. This is The Road they have to walk.

There's nothing quite like a depressing, post-apocalyptic stroll through a wasteland to cheer up your evening. So The Road, director John Hillcoat's adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's bestselling novel, is your perfect pick for a night out. But how on earth can you tackle such material, especially when you're an 11 year old boy, like Viggo Mortensen's co-star Kody Smit-McPhee? Well, John Hillcoat, screenwriter Joe Penhall and Aragorn himself are on hand to fill us in.

John, your last film, The Proposition is completely different to The Road, but it somehow had a similar look to it. What attracted you to the material?

JH: Well, I love the heat and the Sun - I'm an Australian! No, the two films are really quite polar opposites, but they're both set in extreme environments. And one of the things that interests me is the impact an extreme environment has upon people; it's like another character for them to react to.