Director: Peter Berg
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna
Certificate: 12A
Trailer

It’s never a good sign when you struggle to hear a film’s terrible dialogue over loud explosions and an audience’s mocking laughter. That happens a lot in Battleship. The terrible dialogue. And the explosions - and the laughter.

"You gotta make a few calls for me," whines selfish naval officer Alex Hopper (Kitsch) to his brother, Stone (Alexander Skarsgard), after being threatened with dismissal. “Who do I call to get you some humility?” Skarsgard replies, delivering one of the worst line readings since Pierce Brosnan in Taffin. "I don’t have that number."

Director: Andrew Stanton
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Mark Strong, Dominic West
Certificate: 12A
Trailer

“You think you know Mars… BUT YOU DO NOT KNOW MARS.” A booming voiceover begins Disney’s epic sci-fi romance. It’s ridiculous. It’s laughable. It sounds incredibly stupid. But from that daft opening narration, Andrew Stanton’s John Carter is properly charming stuff.

The tale of a confederate US soldier who travels through space, battles green men with shiny blue weapons and falls in love with a princess? It’s the kind of nonsense that could only be written by a barmy warlock  in the early 20th Century. And it’s all the better for it. Edgar Rice Burroughs' story may be packed with state of the art mo-cap, but Disney’s latest is as dated as Clash of the Titans, as cheesy as Flash Gordon and as crazy as H.P. Lovecraft. In short, it’s what all old-school fantasy adventures should be: wonderfully bonkers.

There's all kinds of mixed buzz flying around John Carter. Will it be as good as fans say? Will it be as big a flop as Disney executives fear? Having still not watched it yet (ask me again on Friday morning), all I can say is I still think it looks pretty decent. Either way, this final John Carter trailer is certainly no less convincing than anything else we've seen so far. And besides, it has Mark Strong in it. What could go wrong?

But a memo to Disney: enough with the white, gorilla wolf motherfucker, OK? No one wants to see Attack of the Clones again.

It reminds me a lot of Attack of the Clones, but this full trailer for John Carter is still jolly exciting. Who knew that Taylor Kitsch (aka Gambit from X-Men Origins: Wolverine and That Kid from Snakes on a Plane) could go all Conan and run around an alien civil war without it all looking like a load of ridiculous nubbins?

Answer: Andrew Stanton. Who probably watched Attack of the Clones several times to avoid falling into the same traps that George Lucas did. John Carter is out in March next year. For more on the film, check out the new John Carter stills released this week.

Director: Andrew Stanton
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Lynn Collins, Willem Dafoe
Certificate: TBCRelease Date: March 2012

From Academy Award®–winning filmmaker Andrew Stanton comes “John Carter”—a sweeping action-adventure set on the mysterious and exotic planet of Barsoom (Mars). “John Carter” is based on a classic novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, whose highly imaginative adventures served as inspiration for many filmmakers, both past and present.

The film tells the story of war-weary, former military captain John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), who is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins). In a world on the brink of collapse, Carter rediscovers his humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom and its people rests in his hands.

Anyone thinking that Peter Berg's adaptation of Battleship is lacking a little authority can consider themselves proper told like, because Berg is adding another piece to his Hasbro board game: Liam Neeson. Yes, Aslan has boarded the boat movie.

Colonel Hannibal Smith will be switching uniform to play Admiral Shane, a respected, sexy, Liam Neeson lookalike, who happens to be involved with the plot. He has a model daughter (Brooklyn Decker) to go with his model ships, and is facing the prospect of Taylor Kitsch's hero dating her.

Neeson joins the cast, which has already set sail to Hawaii to start shooting. Rounding up the ranks are Alexander Skarsgaard (the hero's older brother) and Rihanna, playing a weapons expert - yes, you didn't imagine that one. It's still true.

Battleship will see a fleet of humans fending off attack from water-loving aliens, who want something from Earth's oceans. Probably the water. No doubt Kitsch's cocky commander will save the day, battle some ships and bag Liam Neeson's daughter. Although we all know what happened last time someone did that...

Expect this baby to land in May next year, when the world will finally get to hear the immortal tagline: Battleship: Ships Will Battle. Or something.

Rihanna has signed on to star in the upcoming Battleship movie. She's had seven number one singles since 2005. Now the pop star is adding a film to her CV with Peter Berg's board game adaptation.

Berg's take on the Battleships sees aliens land on our planet, most likely in some form of ship, only to be greeted by Earth's own naval fleets, represented by ships of a different colour. Then the ships do battle. Or something. But now Berg has cast what is presumably the love interest in the story. 

Taylor Kitsch is still the hero of the tale, with Alexander Skarsgard (him off True Blood) playing Kitsch's brother. Maybe we'll get some kind of love triangle amidst all the battling ships. Or perhaps Rihanna will even be an upstart female officer - you never know. At least when the waves get too high, she can always get out her umbrella (ella, ella, ella, lazy joke).

Battleship will cruise into cinemas in May 2012. Will Rihanna sink Berg's ship? Or will the ship sink her career?