As The Hollywood Reporter taught us over the weekend, it's a cruel and unfair thing to write a review of Joss Whedon's The Cabin in the Woods that contains a ton of spoilers. Reciting every key plot twist in full detail not only ruins the experience for the viewer but also shows a lack of imagination on the writer's part.
So here, using the pure power of imagination, is the world's most guaranteed 100% spoiler-free review of Cabin in the Woods:
Imagine a talking monkey riding a Nyan Cat next to Danger Mouse fighting a T-Rex on top of a dragon that fires LASERS FROM ITS EYES, while watching The Princess Bride AND eating bacon - narrated by Morgan Freeman. On Mars. (Inside a giant robot.)
The Cabin in the Woods is more awesome than that.
The Cabin in the Woods is out on Friday 13th April in the UK. We'll have a full (and equally spoiler-free) review then.