Readers of my exclusive Cannes Diary, providing insights galore into a film festival from the perspective of someone who has never even set foot on the Croisette, are in for a surprise treat today.

Because guess where I've been these past two weeks? That's right! IN CANNES. *surprise twist music*

You may recall The Last Projectionist poster that I mentioned a while back? The documentary, made by the owner of Birmingham's Electric Cinema, about the dying profession of the movie projectionist? Well, we're on the poster. And that poster not only flew to Cannes, but also went one step further...

Because you'll never guess where I've been these past two weeks?

(via @Electricbham)

Yep, without even leaving London, I'm in ruddy Variety magazine. In Cannes. Who wants to touch me?

In other news, The Last Projectionist is released in 26 UK cinemas on Friday 22nd June. Head this way for more details on booking tickets.

Day 4

On a scale of 1 to Not in Cannes, I'm still firmly up at the Not in Cannes end of the spectrum. But that didn't stop me from seeing Wes Anderson's latest film in London last night anyway.

Conclusion? I loved it. Partly because Moonrise Kingdom sounds like the best Super Mario level ever:

I'll have a full review for you next week, when I'm not so busy not being in Cannes.

Day 3

Guess where I am? That's right! Still not in Cannes.

Day 2

Still not in Cannes. Which means I'm 842 miles (or 14 hours and 15 minutes by car - thanks, Google) away from this...

It's that time of year again. The time when folks in the UK who can't afford to go to France for two weeks suffer Cannes Envy.

Not me. I'm happy here being stuck in England in an East London office with sporadic sunshine, a croissant and a mug with cats on it. (Seriously, it's an awesome mug.)

But every now and then, bits of Cannes gossip gets across the Channel that even us mugged-up croissant chompers need to hear about. So here, to provide you with unrivalled, in-depth coverage of the film industry's biggest festival from someone who isn't even in the same country, is my 2012 Cannes Diary.

Day 1

Not in Cannes.