Director: Peter Berg
Cast: Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna
Certificate: 12A
Trailer

It’s never a good sign when you struggle to hear a film’s terrible dialogue over loud explosions and an audience’s mocking laughter. That happens a lot in Battleship. The terrible dialogue. And the explosions - and the laughter.

"You gotta make a few calls for me," whines selfish naval officer Alex Hopper (Kitsch) to his brother, Stone (Alexander Skarsgard), after being threatened with dismissal. “Who do I call to get you some humility?” Skarsgard replies, delivering one of the worst line readings since Pierce Brosnan in Taffin. "I don’t have that number."

"Fire the weapons!" "Which weapons, sir?" "ALL OF THEM."

You could be forgiven for thinking that line of dialogue comes from a good film. But it's actually from the first trailer for Battleship, Peter Berg's $200m CGI-fest about a naval crew who discover an alien ship at sea. Which then comes to life, changes shape and starts blowing a hole in the ocean.

It's supposedly based on the board game Battleship. It should actually be called Transformers 4: Row Boats in Disguise.

It looks like total balls, doesn't it? Amazingly, Liam Neeson manages to keep a straight face throughout - he presumably spent most of his time off camera laughing about the massive vat of money currently sitting under his mattress. As for Rihanna, no-one knows where she is (I'll take a stab at A, A, A1).

Battleship is out on Wednesday 11th April 2012. That gives them a long time to find an excuse for someone to say "You sunk my battleship!" during the film. That better not be the name of Rihanna's next single...

Anyone thinking that Peter Berg's adaptation of Battleship is lacking a little authority can consider themselves proper told like, because Berg is adding another piece to his Hasbro board game: Liam Neeson. Yes, Aslan has boarded the boat movie.

Colonel Hannibal Smith will be switching uniform to play Admiral Shane, a respected, sexy, Liam Neeson lookalike, who happens to be involved with the plot. He has a model daughter (Brooklyn Decker) to go with his model ships, and is facing the prospect of Taylor Kitsch's hero dating her.

Neeson joins the cast, which has already set sail to Hawaii to start shooting. Rounding up the ranks are Alexander Skarsgaard (the hero's older brother) and Rihanna, playing a weapons expert - yes, you didn't imagine that one. It's still true.

Battleship will see a fleet of humans fending off attack from water-loving aliens, who want something from Earth's oceans. Probably the water. No doubt Kitsch's cocky commander will save the day, battle some ships and bag Liam Neeson's daughter. Although we all know what happened last time someone did that...

Expect this baby to land in May next year, when the world will finally get to hear the immortal tagline: Battleship: Ships Will Battle. Or something.

Rihanna has signed on to star in the upcoming Battleship movie. She's had seven number one singles since 2005. Now the pop star is adding a film to her CV with Peter Berg's board game adaptation.

Berg's take on the Battleships sees aliens land on our planet, most likely in some form of ship, only to be greeted by Earth's own naval fleets, represented by ships of a different colour. Then the ships do battle. Or something. But now Berg has cast what is presumably the love interest in the story. 

Taylor Kitsch is still the hero of the tale, with Alexander Skarsgard (him off True Blood) playing Kitsch's brother. Maybe we'll get some kind of love triangle amidst all the battling ships. Or perhaps Rihanna will even be an upstart female officer - you never know. At least when the waves get too high, she can always get out her umbrella (ella, ella, ella, lazy joke).

Battleship will cruise into cinemas in May 2012. Will Rihanna sink Berg's ship? Or will the ship sink her career?

Jeremy Renner, Oscar nominated star of The Hurt Locker, has been a busy boy on the awards circuit. But now, after gaining some well-deserved attention for his role in Kathryn Bigelow's intense war film, Renner's been raking in offers non-stop.

First up is The Raven, from Ninja Assassin's director James McTeigue, which is an attempt to mash up Edgar Allen Poe's life (that'll be fiction, then) with a murder-mystery. That has Ewan McGregor lined up for it too.

The second is Peter Berg's Battleship, which would be a fairly high profile blockbuster turn. The sci-fi action flick, based of course on the board game, will no doubt involve ships battling it out against aliens in some kind of battle of ships. That'll be turning up in 2012.

But the most intriguing offering is a third, unknown project, which Renner isn't revealing. All we know is he's had 5 meetings about it, and that it will most likely clash with Battleship. No word on what it is yet. But I'm still hoping it might be Captain America...